Ash and Gary's Bogus Adventure
by Titan Nerd 68
Summary: Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak decide to go on a Pokemon adventure a few years after retirement from the show while they're young by the way encountering much madness and other stuff as they go.
1. The Idea

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Excellently Bogus Adventurous Journey**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

Enjoy this one, my friends.

Chapter 1: The Idea

* * *

"They had better hurry," Ash muttered. He had invited Gary and May over to watch the football game, which was about to start. "They've tossed the coin. I don't want to miss the kickoff." The doorbell rang. "Thank God." Ash opened it. "Get your asses in here. I don't want to miss the kickoff."

"Hold your Rapidashes, Ash," said Gary. "It's just a game."

"Just a game my ass," said Ash. "This will decide whether the Pallet Bellsprouts get into the playoffs."

"If this game is that important to you," said Gary, "You shouldn't have invited a fan of the Cinnabar Kinglers to watch the game with you."

"Fuck you," said Ash.

"Wow, you two just love each other to death," said Misty. "C'mon, Ash, they're about to kick off."

In a second, Ash was on the couch, grossly engaged in the game, Gary equally engaged. They hadn't been watching for five minutes when Ash's mother came into the room and unplugged the TV.

"Mom, you're killin' me!" Ash screamed. "Why?"

"It's my vibration hour," said Delia. "You know that."

"I actually don't," said Ash, "And I don't think I want to know."

"No," said Misty. "I'm sure we could watch the game nextdoor."

"No can do," said Gary. "It had to be here because it's Grandpa's whore hour."

"I'm scared of that, too," said Ash.

"Go watch the game at a sports bar, then," said Delia.

"Did she say sports bar or sports bra?" May asked.

"Mom, you know there are no sports bars in Pallet Town," said Ash.

"Sucks, doesn't it," said Delia. "What's more important, sports, or me pleasuring my..."

"I get it, Mom," said Ash. "Don't talk about it. Come on, let's do something else. I think I'm going to be sick."

They left the house. Inside, Delia called to Mimey to bring the cord, dildo, and butter.

"So, what do you want to do now?" May asked. "I vote we go somewhere and have a four way!"

"We did that yesterday," said Ash, "And my dick still hurts from Misty biting too hard."

"Well, you're the one who shoved the golf club up my vag," said Misty, "So my pussy still hurts, thank you very much."

"Let's go to McDonald's," said Gary. "It'll be better than standing around."

"You can go," said Misty. "I'm going to the mall."

"Me, too," said May. "Did you say going to the mall or going to the balls?"

"Your girlfriend isn't always the brightest, is she?" asked Ash. "She actually wasn't that dumb when I first met her."

"I don't really care for dumb girls either," said Gary. "It's the rack."

"Can't blame you there," said Ash. "McDonald's?"

"Why not."

They went to McDonald's and ordered Big Macs. Ash and Gary sat and ate, each trying not to stare at the guy in front of him. Finally, Ash decided to break the tension.

"I have an idea," he said. "We should go on a Pokemon adventure, but without the reality show with a "controlled" set."

"I was thinking the same thing," said Gary. "You bring Pikachu, I'll bring Umbreon. We'll have so much fun."

"Then it's settled," said Ash. "Let's leave tomorrow. It'll be a man trip."

"I like man trips," said Gary. "I'll start packing now."

* * *

And that is the first chapter. What will happen next to our two friends? Read the next one, because that's the only way to find out.


	2. Pallet Town to Viridian City

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the second chapter, in which Ash and Gary hit the road.

Chapter 2: Pallet Town to Viridian City

* * *

"Misty, May," said Ash the next day, "Gary and I have an announcement."

"You finally hooked up?" asked Misty. "You two were made for each other."

"If you think I'm gay, Misty, why do you keep sleeping with me?" Ash asked.

"Because I can tell that you're bisexual," said Misty. "I know you are because I am." She leaned over and kissed May.

"The announcement is that Ash and I are going on a man trip," said Gary. "We're going out on a Pokemon journey. Just Ash, me, Umbreon, and Pikachu."

[Great] said Pikachu. [Traveling with Ash's stupid ass again. This'll be fun]

[I know just what you mean] said Umbreon. [Except Gary's not always as dumb as Ash]

[If that's true, we might be screwed] Pikachu groaned. It lit a cigar. [I'm staying here, Ash. Have fun, and don't get mauled. Wild Pokemon are very dangerous]

"Oh, don't be silly, Pikachu," said Ash. "You're coming with us whether you want to or not. And quit smoking those, it's bad for your health and Mom doesn't believe me when I tell her why her cigars are gone."

[Not my problem] said Pikachu. [So, what's the planly, Stanley?]

"The plan is not to call me by my middle name," said Ash. "And to go the video game route."

"We'll also do gym battles for badges," said Gary.

"I'm not battling either of you," said Misty. "Just so it's clear."

[And there is no way in hell I'm going] said Umbreon. [Besides, I'm a female. You said it was a man trip.]

"Well, you can still join us," said Ash. "Pikachu's a male, so you know what this means, right Gary?"

"Say it with me, Ash."

"Sausagefest!" the two men said as they high-fived.

"That's just a little bit gay," said May. "Just a little."

"No matter," said Gary. He kissed May. "This, my girlfriend, is my cell phone."

"And I'm giving you my cell phone," said Ash as he kissed Misty.

"I hope to God you need no help out there," said Misty.

"We won't," said Ash. "Gary and I know what we're doing. I have all my clothes, some food, some money, a clothesline, my old Pokedex, some Pokeballs, and a roll of duct tape because you'll never know when you need something obscure."

"I have the same," said Gary. "Umbreon, Pikachu, let's go."

[No way] the Pokemon said simultaneously.

"I didn't want to have to do this," said Ash, "But you're leaving me no other choice, Pikachu." He tried to tie up Pikachu with his clothesline. "Just like the old GAAAAAAAAHHHHH days, right, buddy? AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"I have to say," said Misty, "No matter the reason, watching Pikachu electrocute the shit out of you is always funny as hell."

"Finally," said a charred Ash. "Gary, you need help subduing Umbreon?"

"No," said Gary who was wiping Umbreon's poisonous sweat off his hands. "I've got her on her leash."

[Note to self] Pikachu grumbled. [Hang myself from the first tree I see]

[Same here] grumbled Umbreon.

"We're leaving!" said Ash. "Don't go calling any 1-900 numbers on our phones!"

"We won't," said May. "At least I won't."

"Have fun getting your asses kicked by nature," said Misty. "And use condoms when you have butt sex."

"We won't!" Ash called as they left his house. "Bye!"

"Make sure you clean your strap-ons!" Gary called.

"They're gone," said Misty. "I can't believe they're doing this."

"Did you say doing this or doing it?" May asked.

"We're off on the road!" Ash sang. "I can't believe it!"

"We did it, Ash," said Gary. "We are now two free men doing whatever we please in the wilderness."

[They're happy] said Pikachu.

[They certainly are] said Umbreon. [And it looks like Gary's getting a little too happy to be with Ash]

"Hey, Ash," Gary said eventually. "I don't know about you, but the lack of sex with my girl is killin' me."

"Yeah, same here," said Ash. "How long's it been since we left home? It feels like we've been gone a few days."

"It's only been..." Gary paused to look at his watch... "Two hours. I gotta masturbate, dude. I'm sorry, but it's true."

"It's okay," said Ash. He dropped his pants. "I could do the same myself."

"I guess it won't hurt if we both just do it here," said Gary. "Two men jacking off in front of each other doesn't necessarily mean homosexuality. Right?"

[Of course not] Pikachu said sarcastically.

[I think I'll take a few big steps over here] said Umbreon. [And I'll watch the sun in the sky because it's not even close to setting]

"This is just because we miss our girls," said Gary as he stroked.

"Right," said Ash as he stroked. "Only to get us through. Just picture your girlfriend rubbing her tits..."

"...And putting a dildo up her vag..."

"...I feel it..."

"...Same here...!"

"GARY!!!!!"

"ASH!!!!!!!"

The two simultaneously called each other's names before jizzing all over the ground. They stood there for a second trying not to look at each other. They wiped their dicks clean and pulled their pants back up.

"I'm not gay," said Ash.

"Neither am I," said Gary. "We're just a little bit lonely and we just happened to say the name of the person right nearby."

[Yeah] said Umbreon. [May I, like Misty, remind you two to use protection when you have butt sex]

"We're not going to do that," said Ash. "C'mon, let's go."

They walked on for a few more hours, not speaking to each other because of the awkward situation they had just encountered. Pikachu and Umbreon, now no longer on their leashes only because at this point they would not have known how to get back home, simply followed behind hoping for something bad to happen to their owners.

[I'd be willing to bet you five bucks that some shit will go down in five minutes] Pikachu whispered.

[Probably will] Umbreon whispered back, [But I won't pay you because I'll be laughing my ass off when it happens]

It happened when they finally stopped at Ash's command.

"I gotta take a leak," he said. "So let's just use this moment to catch our breath."

[Wait, wait, this looks familiar] said Pikachu. [Hey, Ash, I think this is where we were first attacked by that flock of Spearows]

"You're right," said Ash. "Well, if they come back, I know you'll zap the shit out of them." He unzipped his pants and set his feet. "Ahhh, that's much better."

[HEY!]

Ash stopped as an angry little Spearow came out of the bush. It was a little damp and very pissed, pun intended.

[What the fuck, dude? I was napping when you just pissed all over me for no fucking reason!]

"Sorry," said Ash. He slowly stepped back and put his dick back in his pants. "Won't happen again."

[HEY, EVERYONE!] A whole flock of Spearows appeared from all over the forest.

"Ash," Gary whispered. "They're birds. That means they have sharp vision."

"I know," Ash whispered back. "Don't move. If we stay still, they might think we're not real."

"Too late," Gary whispered. "You just peed on one of them, and I was laughing until it called all the others here." He stopped as one of the Spearows flew over and landed on his shoulder. It looked him in the eye, then pecked him on the ear. It pecked repeatedly, and Gary tried not to move, but when it tried to peck his eye, Gary swatted at it and ran. "I'm gettin' the hell out of here!"

"Wait up!" Ash shouted as he ran after him.

The Spearows followed after them. Pikachu and Umbreon tried to keep up, which was difficult because they were laughing so hard. Ash and Gary ran through the forest, dashing around trees, hopping rocks, and ducking low branches. They suddenly stopped when they reached a cliff.

"There's no other option but to jump," said Ash. "That's how I avoided them the first time."

"But if we grab those branches," said Gary, "The second jump into the river might not kill us. I hope."

[They're over there!] Umbreon shouted to the Spearows as it pointed to Gary.

"My own Umbreon just threw me under the bus," said Gary. "This day keeps getting better." He jumped and grabbed the branch. "There's no other choice, Ash!"

"I know," said Ash as he jumped and held onto the branch. The two waited, but the Spearows simply landed and walked around.

[Aren't you going to go down and finish them?] Pikachu asked.

[Nah] said one Spearow. [They'll either find a way to get back up or fall. Personally, I hope they manage their way up so that I can peck their eyes out]

[That's too far] said Pikachu. [I'm not the biggest fan of Ash Ketchum, but dammit, he's still my friend. Thunderbolt, bitches!] Pikachu scared the Spearows away with a Thunderbolt.

"You saved us, Pikachu!" Ash cried in a fit of joy. One that caused him to fall into the river, which was actually only eight feet below.

"Might as well go, too," said Gary as he dropped. Pikachu and Umbreon looked at each other, shrugged, and jumped.

"Oh, shit," said Ash.

"What?" Gary asked.

"If I remember correctly," said Ash, "Pikakchu and I jumped in this river a little further downstream past the upcoming waterfall."

"Goddammit," Gary muttered as he tried to outswim the current, failing miserably.

"Gary, I think it's only about a twelve foot drop," Ash said. "Relax."

"Relax, my ass," said Gary. "Ash, it's a fucking waterfall. "With the luck we're having right now, there's probably a good seventy percent chance of sharp rocks at the bottom."

[Don't be so negative] said Umbreon. [If the rocks at the bottom don't kill you, the shock will]

"Har haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," Gary said before we went over the edge, followed by the others. They hit the water hard, missing the sharp rocks because it had rained like hell the previous week, and so the river was swollen as hell.

"Misty?" Ash asked as he looked up at the red haired person fishing on the shore.

"I am not Misty," said the person. He helped Ash and Gary out of the water. "My name is Ray. I like fishing. You look like Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak from that old show Pokemon."

"We are Ash and Gary," said Ash. "It's nice to meet you, Ray."

"I'm sorry," said Ray, "But I was never a fan of the show."

"That's okay," said Gary. "You can't please everyone. Would you happen to know the way to Viridian City from here?"

"Do I look like a fucking map?" Ray asked.

"Well, excuuuuuse me, Raymond," said Gary. "I didn't ask you to be a dick. I asked you how to get to Viridian City. If you don't know, that's all you have to say. Fuck you."

"Fuck you, too," said Ray as Ash and Gary left. Pikachu and Umbreon climbed out of the river and followed them.

"The nerve of some people," said Ash. "I hope he catches a tire."

"And a boot," said Gary.

[Yeah, and let's throw a tin can in there] said Umbreon with a laugh.

[Add the book of cliches and it's complete] said Pikachu. [Except they already used that gag on _Family Guy, _so I doubt it'll happen here]

The group walked for hours. Finally, the sun began to set, and Ash and Gary decided it would be best to set up their tarps and camp for the night.

"You brought the matches, right?" Ash asked.

"No," said Gary.

"Damn," said Ash. "Yummy yummy cold, raw hot dogs. Maybe I'll just stick these up my ass instead."

"You at least remembered a flashlight, right?" Gary asked.

"No," said Ash. "I thought you were going to pack that."

"Ash, you know I don't own a flashlight," said Gary. "My grandfather always uses his phone to find his way to the bathroom at night."

"Well, you know my mom owns the only flashlight in the house," said Ash. "And she keeps it up her ass, so you know I can't just reach for it."

"So we're basically going hungry tonight."

"With no light. So hopefully no wild...what the hell was that noise?"

"Ash, you're starting to scare me."

"Gary, I heard something."

"I heard it, too, and dammit, man, you're creeping me the fuck out."

[Hey, we're trying to sleep here] Pikachu yawned. [Would you two mind shutting the hell up?]

Pikachu and Umbreon slept peacefully. Ash and Gary sat up bug-eyed the whole night, constantly hearing things in the woods. The next morning, Pikachu and Umbreon woke up happily and refreshed. Ash and Gary were still looking incredibly paranoid.

[Good morning, Umbreon] Pikachu said.

[Good morning, Pikachu] said Umbreon. [How'd you sleep? I slept just fine]

[I also slept fine, thank you] Pikachu answered. [Hey, Ash, how'd you and Gary sleep?]

"Me?" Ash said quickly and nervously. "Oh, I slept EH-YAAAWWWHHHH like a baby. How about you Gary?"

"Me?" Gary said just as quickly and just as nervously. "Just fi-III-ne."

"Let's hit the road," Ash said. "The day's just HAAAAA-UUUUHHH begun."

"We should stop HUUUUUHHH-UUUUHHH looking at each other," Gary yawned.

They walked for a few hours, when they finally reached the park. The park was in their destination.

"I don't know why they're having a beanbag chair festival," said Ash, "But we're here."

"We got to Viridian City," Gary said with a yawn. "Together we made it!"

"See, we did it..." Ash began.

"Don't say it," said Gary before he collapsed on a beanbag and started snoring.

"Good idea," Ash yawned before he fell asleep on another beanbag.

* * *

They've made it to Viridian, but what will happen next for our buddies? Viridian City and Forest will provide more fun. For Pikachu and Umbreon, as it will be at the expense of Ash and Gary. In the words of Mario, "See you next time!"


	3. Viridian City and Viridian Forest

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the third chapter, in which Ash and Gary have an awkward phone conversation, their pillows slashed, and are attacked by angry Beedrills.

Chapter 3: Viridian City and Viridian Forest

* * *

"Hey, wake up, you two," a man said as he shook Ash and Gary awake.

"Wha..." Ash said as he sat up. "Are we still in Viridian Park?"

"You are," said the man. "The beanbag chair festival is over, and you two have been asleep for a coupla days now. Shape up and ship outta here. Have a good day."

"We'd better check into the Pokemon center," said Gary. "How long should we stay here?"

"I'd say as long as we need," said Ash. "We need a flashlight, matches, and a few other things. You check us in, I'll buy our supplies."

A few hours later, they went to the phones in the Pokemon center to call home. Ash called his mother first.

"Hey, Mom," he said when she picked up. "Guess where we are."

"Where the hell are you two?" she asked, "And why did you just leave?"

"We're in Viridian, Mom," said Ash. "And you know I'm twenty-one. Why am I even still living with you, again?"

"You won't leave home until you're twenty-five," said Delia. "Why are you away from home?"

"We're going on a Pokemon adventure on our own," said Gary.

"It's for fun, Mom," said Ash. "I promise we'll come home safely."

"Well, don't forget to..."

"Hey, Delia!" Prof Oak called from outside the room, "Hurry before the Viagra wears off!"

"Sam, it's been up for five hours!" Delia called back. "It won't go down anytime soon!"

"Yeah, but I don't know how much longer it's gonna last!"

"Okay, I'll be there," Delia said. She then turned back to the highly surprised and very disgusted Ash and Gary. "Gotta go. Hey, Sam, did you call the doctor?"

"Mom," said Ash, "I'm now hanging up the phone very slowly. Bye."

He hung up. Ash and Gary looked at each other, feeling very awkward.

"Okay," said Ash. "I do not want to know."

"Neither do I," said Gary. "I was going to call my grandfather after you talked to your mom, but now I see there's no point. How old's your mom, again?"

"Fifty-three," said Ash. "And your grandfather's seventy-five, right?"

"Yeah. Well, she should be empty, he's probably shooting blanks, so we can't end up with some obscure relative, right? I'd be twenty-one years older than my messed up uncle or aunt."

"Let's just not think about it," said Ash. "The only advantage was that my mom did not get to complete her reminder to me to change my underwear daily."

"Well, that's because most of the time you don't."

"Gary, shut the fuck up. Let's call our girls."

Meanwhile, over at the Team Rocket headquarters cleverly disguised as the Viridian City Gym, something was afoot.

"Jessie, James, Meowth," said Giovanni, "I think you can get that so called amazing Pikachu without fucking up like you did just about every goddamn day last time you went after the Ketchum boy!"

"Sorry," said James. "Just send Jessie, she won't get all hot and bothered."

"No," said Giovanni. "You are a team. Now go. Ketchum and Oak are at the Pokemon Center in town."

"Where is that?" Jessie asked.

"I'll lead dese dumb-asses," said Meowth. "Let's go, you two."

"Why did I hire them?" Giovanni asked. He opened a new tab on his laptop and unzipped his pants.

"Boss!" came the call from the video phone on the wall behind him. Giovanni shut his laptop and spun around, catching his penis in his zipper on the way.

"What the fuck do you want, Bitch?" he growled. "This had better be important."

"It is important," said Butch, "And for the last time, my name is..."

"I don't give a shit what your name is, BJ," said Giovanni, "Just tell me!"

"I found out that Ash and Gary are going to travel this island in the video game path."

"What?"

"If you can't get them here, send someone to Pewter City. We'll catch them there, in fact."

"Okay, but don't fuck up either." Butch hung up. "Now, I just need to check the ringer on that phone."

"Boss!" a female voice called on the video phone.

"What, Cassidy?" Giovanni asked. "If the guy you work with forgot to tell me, it had better be even more important!"

"I think Ketchum and Oak have it."

"That's really fucking important. Tell me what you know, and I'll tell Jessie and James."

Back at the Pokemon center, Ash and Gary were getting ready to turn in for the night. They slept in separate beds, but in the same room to save money. They'd been asleep for a few hours when Ash woke up having to use the bathroom. He noticed that Pikachu and Umbreon were dead asleep. He was about to go into the bathroom when he heard a knock on the door.

"Sorry to wake you," said Nurse Joy, "But there's a telephone call for your roommate."

"I'll get him," said Ash. He woke Gary up and pointed him to the door, then went into the bathroom. Gary followed Nurse Joy down the hall. Jessie and James snuck into the room, looking around.

"It's gotta be around here somewhere," said Meowth as he dug through Gary's bag. James and Jessie took swords and slashed up Ash and Gary's pillows. "What the hell are you morons doing?"

"Warning them mafia style," said Jessie. "Wait, what was that?" The three froze as they heard the toilet flush. "Run!"

Jessie, James, and Meowth dove out the window as Ash came in from the bathroom and Gary came in from the hall.

"I think I just heard something," said Ash. "Was someone in here?"

"I don't think so," said Gary as he lay down. "Why does my pillow feel weird?"

"I don't know," said Ash. "Maybe for the same reason mine does." He turned on the light and they saw why their pillows felt weird. "Is this a warning of some sort? Someone slashed up our pillows."

"Well, I know I don't have the ring," said Gary. "Umbreon! Pikachu! Wake up!"

[What is it?] asked Pikachu. [I was asleep]

"Someone slashed our pillows," said Ash. "Did you hear anyone or anything in here earlier?"

[No] said Pikachu. [I was asleep]

"Well, I think it's safe to continue sleeping," said Gary. "We have a flashlight now, and we're in a more public place. They won't bother us again. I hope."

As for Team Rocket, they were formulating the next part of the plan.

"I've got it!" said Jessie. "We'll use a magnet to pull the Golden PokeBall out! Metal loves magnets and gold is metal."

"Gold ain't magnetic, dumb-ass," said Meowth. "Now here's my plan. We follow dem like de old days and wait for dem to toin around. Den we steal de Golden PokeBall and give it to de boss."

"And you know what that means?" Jessie asked.

"Promotions!" James cried with joy.

"Cool it," said Meowth. "Every time you celebrated prematchoily like dat, we fucked up."

"Wobbuffet!"

"Yes," said Meowth. "But we'll wait for dem to leave the Center and go to de Forest. Den we try and put de plan inta action."

The next morning, Ash and Gary left the Pokemon Center, forgetting to pay for their stay because they wanted to get on with their journey. Nurse Joy immediately called the others to tell them to charge extra should Ash and Gary come their way.

"Hey, Ash," said Gary as they got to the forest, "We should have brought Misty here."

"No," said Ash. "The last time we brought her here, that Butterfree with Tourette's popped up and literally scared the piss and shit out of her."

"I know," said Gary. "That's why we should have brought her here."

"That's not funny to me," said Ash. "Well, I'm pretty sure I got through Viridian Forest without a whole lot of trouble, so hopefully this will be a repeat of eleven years ago."

"No, let's hope not," said Gary. "I was attacked by a swarm of Beedrills, but thank God I wasn't stung."

"Oh, yeah," said Ash. "You're allergic."

[He's deathly allergic, too] Umbreon whispered to Pikachu, [So let's not instigate them to attack]

[Damn] said Pikachu. [I was hoping to start some shit up] It threw a rock randomly. The rock woke up a sleeping Venomoth.

"Oh," said Gary. "This isn't so bad. Just a Venomoth."

[Who the fuck threw that rock at me?] the Venomoth asked with more venom in its voice than in its wings.

[He did] Pikachu said pointing to Ash.

[Thanks] The Venomoth kept Ash from moving with a shot of Confusion, pulled down his pants with Psychic, hit him with a wave of Stun Spore, then flew into him repeatedly like a retard until finally remembering that Ash was not a lightbulb. [That'll teach your ass] It flew away.

"Are you okay, Ash?" Gary asked.

"Gary," said Ash, "Between getting my head stuck in a Vileplume and meeting the pedophile Sabrina has for a dad, I think I've had better days. I can move. Let's go."

They walked through the forest for another hour before it happened. Gary tripped and slammed into Ash, causing them both to start rolling down a hill, hitting a tree when they got to the bottom.

"Well," said Ash, "It can't get worse." That was when the swarm of Bedrills that lived in the tree looked at them. "Fuck, I hate it when I'm wrong."

"YAHHH!" Gary screamed as he ran away. Ash ran to catch up, so Pikachu and Umbreon started running.

[Do we have any reason to chase them?] one Beedrill asked.

[No] said another, [But let's chase them for shits and giggles]

The swarm charged, but Ash and Gary had already found refuge in a cave.

"Well," said Gary, "We might as well explore this cave."

"Sounds fun," said Ash. "Duh duh duh duh, dah dah dah dah, duh duh..."

"Cut that out, man," said Gary. "Can you see anything?"

"No," said Ash as he tripped on a rock and fell into a pit. "Gary? Are you up there?"

"Yeah," said Gary. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," said Ash. "It's only about four feet down."

"Asshole," said Gary. "I was legit scared a little."

They continued on for a while until Gary fell into a real pit.

"Ash!" Gary screamed. "Help!"

"Oh, come on, Gary," said Ash. "You're just cupping your hand around your flashlight like I did." He looked down. "Holy shit, man, are you okay?"

"Ash?"

"Yes?"

"I fell about twelve feet and broke both bones in both forearms. I think my feet might be broken as well, but it's hard to tell because I can't get up without using my arms. How the fuck do you think I am."

"I'll find a way down." Ash climbed down on a natural rock ladder, followed by Pikachu and Umbreon.

[It could be worse, Gary] said Umbreon. [You could have fallen on your head, but we wouldn't notice any brain damage]

"Fuck you, Umbreon," said Gary. "Ash, do you think you can carry me out?"

"Yeah," said Ash. "Hold on as best you can." They struggled a little, but Ash managed to get Gary on his back without a large amount of trouble. Ash tried to lower Gary to the ground, but that confirmed Gary's feet were indeed broken. They finally got out of the cave and started going right by a rocky hill.

"I owe you, Ash," said Gary. "This'll probably prolong our trip, though."

"We'll think of something," said Ash. "That sign says Pewter City is about fifteen miles from here, so let's hope we can think of something fast."

[The way their luck's been, something's gotta happen] said Pikachu.

[Ahem] Ash and Gary turned to see the swarm of Beedrills from before. [Remember us?]

"Uh, yeah," said Ash. "Look, my friend is injured, and he's also allergic, so please leave us."

[We only want you] said the leading Beedrill before the swarm charged.

"Shit!" Ash screamed as he threw Gary off his back and ran. Pikachu and Umbreon died laughing as Gary fell down the hill and slammed into a tree.

"I'm gonna kill you, Ash Ketchum!" Gary screamed.

"Save me!" Ash screamed as he ran around, falling over rocks and trying very hard to not get stung.

[Okay, I saved them last time] said Pikachu.

[Fine] said Umbreon. It used Swift, scaring the Beedrills away.

"I see why Charles calls you Ash-hole!" Gary screamed. "You piece of shit!"

"I'm sorry, Gary," said Ash. "I can't run with you on my back."

"You could have at least tried to set me down gently, jizz-face!"

"I'm sorry!"

"I broke multiple bones in that first fall!"

"I'm sorry, Gary!"

"I hope your dick catches fire!"

"Gary, I'm sorry!"

"Fuck you! Now pick me up and let's get the fuck out of here!"

Ash picked Gary up bridal style and carried him on the path. But their luck turned around when two of their friends appeared on a strange Segway.

"Goddammit, Naruto!" Sasuke said. "I told you to make that slight right in the Industrial Revolution!"

"Well, I could have if you didn't make that U-turn in the Great Depression!" Naruto argued.

"Yo, guys!" Ash called. "Naruto, Sasuke! Hey!"

"Oh, it's Ash and Gary," said Sasuke. "What's up? Gary, are you okay?"

"I fell and broke both forearms and both feet," said Gary, "So I'm the exact opposite of okay."

"When did that happen?" asked Naruto.

"About fifteen minutes ago in that cave back there," said Gary. "What's with the Segway?"

"It's my dad's," said Sasuke. "He's very nerdy."

"Why the present tense?" asked Ash. "I thought your parents were dead."

"No, I got a letter from them recently. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that these conjoined Segways and laptop are a fully functional time machine."

"Oh, that's perfect," said Gary. "You can go back to about twenty minutes before now and get me out of the cave and bring me here."

"That sounds like it would help you two a lot," said Sasuke. Naruto stepped off the machine while Sasuke traveled and returned with Gary from twenty minutes prior.

"Okay," said the present Gary. "About five minutes after the time Sasuke appeared and brought you here, you fall and become me."

"Got it," said the previous Gary. "Good thing Sasuke picked me up. Keeps the adventure moving."

"Say, would it be too much trouble to take me back?" present Gary asked. "I'm supposed to be injured in that cave."

"No problem," said Naruto.

"Oh, and new Gary," said present Gary. "Kick his ass. He threw me down a hill."

Naruto and Sasuke left with the injured Gary. Ash looked at the new Gary (who will hereafter be referred to as Gary)

"No hard feelings, right?" Ash asked before Gary punched him in the stomach.

"No, Ash, no hard feelings at all."

That night, they camped a short ways off the trail, this time without fear and made it to Pewter City in good time the next morning.

"We made it to civilization!" Gary screamed as he kissed the sidewalk.

"Not sure if you know, sir," said a passing man, "But a hobo threw up there last night."

* * *

So Ash and Gary's adventure continues. What is next in store for our two friends?


	4. Pewter City and Mt Moon

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the fourth chapter, in which Brock fucks up twice and Ash and Gary destroy part of Mt. Moon. WARNING: I'm going to reference two YouTube vids in here, so you might not get some of it. Check out MALRWiiStation360's vids Super Smash Bros MALR Collections 1, 2, and 3 (Don't Mess with Captain Falcon) and Snake's Crazy Codecs: Do the Mario! if you want to get the references.

Chapter 4: Pewter City and Mt. Moon

* * *

"I hope Brock's at the gym," said Ash. "We haven't battled in years."

"Neither have we," said Gary. "We should do that when we get home."

[No] said Pikachu and Umbreon.

"Okay, tell me honestly, Pikachu," said Ash. "Do you enjoy spending time with me at all?"

[Yes] said Pikachu. [Ash, you're a good friend and a great person, and quite honestly, you're like a brother to me. But I don't enjoy these half-assed adventures]

"And how is this half-assed?"

[You and Gary just decided on the route and then dragged us out of the house. I mean, you guys didn't even have flashlights at the beginning]

"Well, we do now, so let's hit the gym."

They walked on through the city until they reached the gym. They went in, but Brock wasn't there.

[Hey, it's Ash and Gary] said Geodude. It was playing poker with Onix, Zubat, Swampert, and Forretress. [Brock's at his house, since you're probably looking for him. We're about to deal another hand. Pikachu, Umbreon, you in?]

[Yeah] said Umbreon. [Ash, Gary, have fun]

Pikachu and Umbreon stayed behind to play while Ash and Gary continued on to Brock's house. They knocked on the door and one of his sisters answered.

"Hi, Janie," said Ash.

"I'm Rachel," she said. "Brock's upstairs in his room, and he's been there for about two hours."

"Figures," said Ash. "C'mon, Gary, let's go."

They went up to Brock's room. Brock was sitting at his laptop with his pants down and a bottle of lotion at his side. Gary kicked the door down, causing Brock to fall out of his chair in surprise.

"Uh, what's up, guys?" Brock said awkwardly as he got to his feet and shut his laptop. "Actually, hold that thought and let me finish, please."

"Better yet," said Ash, "Let's join you instead." He dropped his pants. "It'll be fun."

"Yeah," said Gary as he dropped his pants. "Three guys jerking off together at the same time..."

"...is very gay," Brock finished. "Please exit my room for at least another fifteen minutes. And Gary, you owe me a new door."

"I'll get to that later," said Gary. "So, what turns Brock on? Girl on girl? Shemales? Bondage?"

"I prefer girl on girl with a little bit of a foot fetish," said Brokc. "Look, I'm cool with you guys jacking in my house with my computer, I just don't want to be around when you do. If you two are cool doing it together, that's fine, but count me out, please."

"No, no," said Ash. "It's gotta be done this way. Let's see what we'll work with." He opened Brock's laptop, then stopped short when he saw the screen. "Hey, Gary, take a look at this."

"What?" Gary looked at the screen. His smile became a neutral expression, then a frown. "That looks like Misty's vagina."

"It is," said Ash. "I'd know her vagina anywhere. And I think that's May on the bed back there with the dildo."

"Yes," said Gary. He pulled up his pants.

"Shit," Brock whispered. "Uh, should I lie to you and say that it's not what it looks like, or should I lie and say that I can explain?"

"No, that's not necessary," said Ash as he calmly pulled up his pants. "It is what it is, and you don't need to explain."

"Yeah," said Gary. "I can see why you'd stroke it to this."

"After all," said Ash, "Gary and I do all the time." He punched Brock in the face. "And we're the only ones, bitch-ass!"

"Don't think you won't get anything from me," said Gary. He dropped his pants a second time and forced his penis into Brock's mouth.

"What the hell are you doing, man?" Ash asked with much surprise.

"I'm raping his fucking throat," said Gary. He thrust into Brock's mouth repeatedly before pulling out and finishing on his face. "Now stay there for a bit and think about what you just did."

"Brock, I'm really sorry about that," said Ash. "Not about punching you, but about Gary raping you. All though I know he's not sorry."

"Damn straight I'm not sorry," said Gary.

At that very moment, the whole scene froze and Christopher Walken stepped in. {author's note: to really capture this moment, try reading the next part out loud in Walken's voice}

"Hi," he said. "I'm Christopher Walken. You may know me from movies, but I'm not here to discuss my filmography. I'm here to discuss this tragic event that has recently finished. Throat rape, is next to nostril rape, the most overlooked form of the crime. Ever. And as you can see, the poor man on the ground there has recently become a victim. Throat rape is a tragedy that can be avoided, however, and one of the best ways that I know of is to not let your friend catch you jacking off to his or her girl or guy. So if you or someone you love or someone you at least care about has been a victim of throat rape, firstly, I didn't do it. Because if I did, I'd kill you afterwards so you can't rat me out. And secondly, call the number 1-800-374-5906 and we'll make an honest effort not to laugh at you."

The scene resumed with Brock getting up and wiping the semen off his face.

"I hope there's no hard feelings," said Ash. "No pun intended."

"Of course not," said Brock as he punched Ash and Gary. "I'd rape Gary back, but that goes against my religion."

"If you're religious," said Ash, "Why did we just walk in on you spanking the Mankey?"

"I didn't say I was religious," said Brock. "I said that it goes against my religion. Rape, not revenge, by the way, which is why I punched you."

"Well, in any event," said Gary, "Let's put this little incident behind us and go over to the gym. I'm itching for another battle."

"No, you guys have your badges already," said Brock. "I'm not fighting you."

"Come on," said Ash. "We don't have to win badges. It's just for fun like the good old days."

"No way," said Brock. "Look, you two. The original Pokemon when the three of us were in our prime is now obsolete. No one's going to want to battle with you. Ash, do you even know how I got the Boulderbadge you won from me?"

"Well, since you put it like that," said Ash, "Was it eBay or a Cracker Jack Box?"

"It was actually a yard sale down the street. I remember because I got for a total of two dollars that Boulderbadge, a Beavis Pez dispenser, a paperweight autographed by Gunner Jaxon, and a _Saturday Night with John Ketchum: Best of Liu Kang _DVD."

"Best of Liu Kang?" Gary asked. "Liu Kang from _Mortal Kombat?"_

"Yeah," said Brock. "According to Wikipedia, he's hosted about forty episodes of _Saturday Night with John Ketchum_. By the way, Ash, is he related?"

"You know," said Ash, "While he does look a bit like me and a little bit like Gary, I'm not sure if he's related. He's a good actor, too, but not very funny. Grover White is much funnier, but the downside is that he can't act."

"Yeah, and the head writer Takeshi Takeyama can't act at all and isn't funny, but he writes sketches better than those two," said Gary. "They just balance themselves out at the end of the day."

"Anyway," said Brock, "I was going to go out to the spa when I 'finished', but I suppose I can still go even though I barely started. Care to come with?"

"Sure," said Ash.

"Sounds fun," said Gary.

Later, the three of them were relaxing in the spa's sauna.

"Okay," said Ash. "Would you rather suck off Sting or a Magmar?"

"That's easy," said Gary. "Sting's human and his dick's not on fire."

"Gary, Sting is old," said Brock.

"He's fifty-seven."

"That's old to me. With a Magmar, there's a chance that it's young."

"Brock, just by saying that, you imply that there's no guarantee of its youth," said Ash. "Or was it infer? Anyway, I'd take Sting because I know he's fifty-seven, and dammit, he is sexy."

"That's just gross," said Brock. "Honestly, you two are weird."

"Okay, I've got one," said Gary. "Would you rather get a Cleveland Steamer from Michael Moore or have a vagina and get fucked by Rainn Wilson?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Ash. "Rainn Wilson."

"Okay," said Brock. "First of all, have you seen that guy's face? Second of all, you'd rather lose your penis?"

"I see what you're saying," said Ash, "But take a look at Moore's face plus his body. I wouldn't want that shitting on me."

"And I prefer Rainn Wilson's face over Michael Moore's any day," said Gary. "Besides, that guy is hilarious. I'd rather have my vag fucked by Rainn."

"Wilson is funny," Brock agreed, "But there is no good reason for losing your penis."

"So, you'd rather be dead and still have your dick than be alive with a pussy?" said Gary.

"No, Gary, I'd rather be alive with my dick."

"So would I. But if losing my penis meant keeping my life, I'd much rather be alive."

"There's just no convincing guys like you," said Brock. "Okay, here's mine. Would you rather get an Abraham Lincoln from Ron Jeremy or Samuel L Jackson?"

"Samuel L of course," said Ash. "He's got a great bod and he's in shape."

"Yeah," said Gary. "Ron Jeremy's fat and kinda hairy. Kinda like Michael Moore."

"What is wrong with you two?" Brock asked. "Ron's a pro at that kind of stuff, unlike Samuel. Also, I prefer hair on people's heads, and you know Sam is the baldest egg ever. And you know he's really mean, a little too strong for my taste, and overrated as hell."

"Uh, Brock," said Ash.

"No, Ash, let me finish."

"That's what she said," Gary interjected.

"Funny, Gary. Just because Samuel L Jackson was in every freakin' movie known to mankind does not make him special, or else the world would love Rob Schneider."

"Brock, you might want to stop."

"I'm just gettin' started here, Ash."

"No, you really need to stop." Ash pointed across the sauna.

"What is it, Ash?" Brock turned around and saw an angry black man sitting across from them. "Oh my god, Mr. Jackson, I am sorrier than you will ever know."

"It's too late for that, muthafucka," said Jackson.

"I'm sorry," Brock managed to squeak out, growing very scared.

"D'jou say something?" Jackson asked as he walked over to them. "Did you speak?"

"Abai soorr ga," Brock managed to get out.

"ENGLISH, muthafucka!" Jackson shouted. "Do you speak it?"

"Yes," Brock managed.

"I don't mind if you're not a fan," said Jackson, his anger growing. "But I do mind when you decide to insult me when I'm in the GODdamn room! You're a sorry motherfucker now. Gimme your towel." Brock froze. "The TOWEL, muthafucka, give it here!" He ripped Brock's towel away and tied it to his own. Ash and Gary tried to sneak out the door, but were stopped by the angry actor. "Nope. You motherfuckers are stayin' here. I need your towels." He pulled Ash and Gary's towels off and made a four towel whip. He then proceeded to lash Brock several times on the legs, back, and ass, then threw the towels in a corner before walking out of the sauna naked.

"Are you okay, Brock?" Ash asked.

"Speak to us, man," said Gary.

"Ash?" Brock asked.

"Yes?"

"Gary?"

"Yes?"

"Could you two carry me home?" Brock began to cry. "I don't care about my clothes or car, just take me home now!"

In spite of the indecent exposure charges they racked up, Ash and Gary carried Brock across town back to his house, leaving his car and their clothes at the sauna. Night eventually fell and they got ready for bed.

"Well, you guys do know that I have a large family," said Brock, "So you have the choice of the guest room or the basement, the former being the lesser of the two evils."

"The guest room if you put it like that," said Gary a little hesitantly.

"Okay," said Brock. He took them up to the second floor and opened a door.

"Holy shit, man!" Ash said. "What the hell is that smell?"

"Formaldehyde," said Brock. "My dad recently took up embalming as a hobby."

"As a hobby?" Ash said. "Brock, you don't embalm people as a hobby, you do that as a job."

"That's what I told him, so we're all real pissed that he doesn't get paid for it."

"Well, it really isn't that bad," said Gary. "Just open up a window."

"No, the last time we did that, the neighbors complained about the smell," said Brock. "I'll leave this door cracked and open windows throughout the house."

"I'm sleeping in the basement, regardless of how much worse it may be," said Ash.

"Your choice, Ash," said Brock. "But let me tell you now that the basement is tiny. Almost as if we don't have one. If it were smaller, it would be a staircase that goes to a concrete wall, and if it were smaller, it would be a door that opens to a wall."

"I get it," said Ash. "The basement is smaller than your dick."

"And my Uncle Ford died down there five years ago," Brock added. "Don't know if that bothers you."

"Brock, if it was five years ago, it doesn't bother me," said Ash as he and Brock reached the basement.

"Okay, if you're saying that, I can tell you've never been to the basement."

"Brock, this is the third time I've ever been to your house. I've never had to go down there."

"Okay," said Brock, "But you know I warned you." He opened the door and flicked on the light.

"What the hell is that?" Ash asked pointing to the bottom of the stairs.

"My Uncle Ford," said Brock. "Five years ago, my family went on vacation while we hired him and some of his men to redo the floor down there, even though as you can see, there's basically no floor. And they were gone when we left and we'd already paid, so it wasn't until Aunt Ethel called and said that Ford had never come home, so I went down there and that's when I discovered him. By that point, we're guessing he'd been dead for four days at the most, and it was probably because he fell headfirst into the setting cement, and hit his head so that he'd be knocked out, unless it hardened like hell around him, because you can tell from here that his head is stuck in the floor. We left him there because it costs too much to dig up the floor and then redo it just to move his body out, and we sure as hell can't pull him out, so he's been here for the past five years. You still want to sleep in the basement?"

Ash spent the whole night awake and surrounded by bodies and formaldehyde.

"Mt. Moon!" Ash shouted. "We're back!"

[This'll be fun] said Umbreon. [Lot's of wild Pokemon]

"Don't be sarcastic," said Gary. "I loved it when we were here a few months back."

[You lost your house keys in there, dumb-ass]

"Prepare for trouble!" a familiar voice called.

"And make it double," said the counterpart.

"Stop dat, stop dat!" said Meowth. "We're tryin'na do dis widout fuckin' up like we have before."

"James, the restraining order still holds," said Ash. "Fifty yards. All times. Get the fuck back now. Gary, give me your hot coffee."

"Ash, we don't have any coffee."

"The why the hell do I have this empty coffee cup?" Ash threw the paper coffee cup at James. It landed at his feet.

"Are we gonna do it?" James asked.

"Not with me," said Ash. "Or Gary. Or Pikachu."

[Thanks for bringin' THAT up] Pikachu groaned. [Just when I'd gotten over it, too]

"No," said James. "While we certainly plan on stealing Pikachu, we also plan to take your special PokeBall."

"Special PokeBall?" Ash asked.

"What special PokeBall?" asked Gary.

"The golden one, of course," said Jessie. "Hand it over, you overgrown twerps!"

"I got rid of the GS Ball years ago, if that's what you want," said Ash. "Not that I'd give it to two homosexual pedophiles like you."

"No, we seek the Golden PokeBall!" said James. "And your golden balls, too."

"James, quit fixatin' on de twoyp, and start fixatin' on de mission!" said Meowth. "Jesus, I gotta do ev'ryting myself!"

"Wobbuffet!"

"Shut it!" said Jessie. "Let's go!" She grabbed Ash and put him in a hold. "James! Find the Golden PokeBall, and for the love of god, don't touch his penis!"

"Please don't touch my penis," said Ash. "I value it. And my adventure." He kicked Jessie in the legs and ran into Mt. Moon before coming back. "I'll stay and fight. I'm not really a coward. Go, Swellow!"

"Good idea," said Gary. "I choose you, Gyarados!"

The two of them threw two empty PokeBalls that sat on the ground. It was then that they remembered they only had one Pokemon each.

[You two are on your own] said Pikachu. [I've kicked their asses so many times years ago, it's no fun now. Good luck]

[Hey, Pikachu, let's do anal in that bush over there] said Umbreon.

"Great, they're leaving us to fuck," said Gary. "Thanks a lot!"

"Well, this makes it much easier," said Jessie. "Go, Seviper and Arbok!"

"Go, Weezing and Cacnea!" Cacnea tried to go back, but hesitated. "Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna keep doing this until you break the habit. Attack them! But don't tear their precious little ears!"

[Here we go again!] said Arbok. [Just like the old days]

"That's it!" Gary said as he began to charge. "I have fucking had it with these muthafuckin' bozos in our muthafuckin' adventure! Oooooaaaakkk..."

"I think we should get outta here," said Jessie as they piled into the balloon. Team Rocket flew way up high before landing somewhere far away.

"Dere's no way in hell he could find us in Spain," said Meowth.

"PUNCH!" Gary punched a surprised Team Rocket high into the sky.

"We're blasting off for the umpteenth time!" they screamed.

"What the fuck was that?" Ash asked.

"You know," said Gary, "I have no idea what that was. Intense anger, I suppose. One thing's for sure, they shouldn't bother us again."

[Whoo, that was amazing!] Umbreon said as it came out of the bush. [Just great]

[I told you so] said Pikachu.

"Let's go," said Ash.

They walked through the cave for hours. It would not have been so bad except for low level wild Pokemon constantly appearing.

"Okay, where the hell are we?" Ash eventually asked.

[I'd say we're lost in Mt. Moon] said Pikachu. [Anyone else want to say it?]

"Never fear, I made sure we have a map," said Gary. "Let's see, Start Button, PokeGear, Map. It shows the four of us lumped together at Mt. Moon."

[Gary, that means we're lost] said Pikachu. [Deal with it]

"Holy shit," said Ash. "Gary, get a load of this Moonstone! It's huge!"

"That's what she said," said Gary, "But that is legit. We could get twenty regular size ones out of this bad boy."

[I strongly suggest leaving it there] said Umbreon.

"No fucking way," said Gary. "C'mon, Ash, if we sell this baby in Cerulean, we'll be almost as rich as we were five years ago!"

[Which was not very] said Pikachu, [Because you pissed that wealth away on pizza, porn, and prostitutes]

"No, we were spoiling our girlfriends," said Ash.

[Like I said, prostitutes. Add to that, I'm pretty sure Moonstones don't sell for anything]

"No, Pikachu," said Gary. "Times have changed. Supply, demand, inflation, the black market. Shit's valuable these days, and this will sell for at least seven thousand dollars. The size helps."

[Size doesn't matter] said Umbreon.

"That's what she said," said Ash.

[Ash, it's a fucking Moonstone. It's worthless]

"Maybe to you," said Ash, "But not to us. Let's pull it out ("That's what she said," Gary interrupted) and take it with us to sell." Ash and Gary grabbed the Moonstone and wiggled it until they finally pulled it out. They set it on the ground and panted. "Damn this thing is heavy."

"And it doesn't have any natural holds, either," said Gary. "But we don't want to break it if we want it to retain max value."

[Let's go] said Pikachu. [If a _Blue Harvest_ reference doesn't pop up, an _Indiana Jones _reference will] It left with Umbreon and they came out on the Cerulean side about five miles from where Ash and Gary were currently trying to move their oversized Moonstone.

"This Moonstone is bitchier than my mom," said Ash. "Let's put it down." They set it down and mopped their brows. "Say, Gary, did you happen to notice anything strange about the way the wall cracked when we took this thing out?"

"I saw the cracks," said Gary, "But I think they were so small we needn't worry. Of course, I'm no geologist, so I really have no freakin' idea, but it really shouldn't be a problem." He put his hands on the stone. "Ready when you are."

They picked it up and continued on for another two thirds of a yard before taking another break.

"We definitely should have brought more Pokemon," said Gary.

"Yeah," said Ash, "But given the way Pikachu and Umbreon are reacting, well, some of the other Pokemon we have could do serious bodily damage to us."

"But at least no wild Pokemon have attacked since we started moving this Moonstone," said Gary.

At that moment, a bunch of Zubats and Geodudes went by. Ash and Gary saw why when they noticed the rock ceiling breaking overhead.

"Shit!" they both got out before they picked up the stone and ran like hell.

"Let's go in there!" Gary shouted as they made their way into a smaller side cave. Unfortunately, the floor cracked and they fell seven feet, unhurt and Moonstone intact.

"Can't get worse," said Ash before the boulder started rolling. They grabbed the Moonstone and ran out onto a trail on the mountain by a cliff. The boulder rolled off the cliff, but coming down the mountain was a Bob-Omb the size of a Golem. It was not the king, though, it was just huge.

"Better go now," said Gary. "It's moving kinda slow, and I don't think it saw us, and if we speak quietly like this, it won't hear us, either." They walked carefully down the trail and made it to a plateau very far away to catch their breath. "I think we lost it, Ash."

"Thank god," Ash said as he collapsed next to his friend. "I have got to exercise more." That was when he saw the Bob-Omb standing near them flashing red. "WHAT THE FU...!"

Ash was cut off by the explosion that sent him, Gary, and their Moonstone flying. They landed mostly unharmed at the cave's mouth by the Pokemon.

[You made it out alive] said Umbreon. [I tip my hat to you both]

"Up yours," Ash managed as he shut his eyes.

"Whoa," said Gary. Ash got up and looked at the gaping hole in Mt. Moon. "Ash, I think we single handedly destroyed a national landmark."

"If this gets out, we're fucked," said Ash. "So let's hope it doesn't get worse."

[Ahem] Ash and Gary turned to see a Clefairy.

"Oh, let's catch it!" said Gary. "I've always wanted a Clefairy, but I could never catch one. They hate me. But not today!" He threw a Pokeball. Clefairy caught it, flipped Gary off, and threw it back. It knocked Ash offscreen and Staryu came out, shooting Gary with Swift as Ash resurrected.

"Gary, I think shit's about to turn sour," said Ash. A whole group of Clefairies appeared and surrounded Ash and Gary, waving their hands with one finger in the air.

"Why are they chanting like that?" Gary asked. "It's like that Super Smash Bros attack...oh shit! That's Metronome!"

At that moment, Ash and Gary were sent flying by a plethora of attacks, mainly Hyper Beam and Explosion. They hit the ground hard, falling flat on their faces.

"Thank god we're cartoon characters," said Gary. "That should have killed us."

[I wish it did] said Pikachu. [Then we could go home]

"Very funny," said Ash. "There it is. Cerulean City!"

* * *

So what will happen to our buddies in Cerulean City? Spoiler: Misty kept her promise and stayed at Ash's house. She is at the moment having sex with May. For the third time today. And May is still faking her orgasms.


	5. Cerulean City

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the sixth chapter in which Ash and Gary are sold into prostitution, escape said prostitution, and get in trouble with the law for possession (I am aware that the introduction of this concept has made this a stoner flick)

Author's Note: This chapter will likely be overly sexual to the point of ridiculousness

Second Author's Note: You have been warned

Chapter 5: Cerulean City

* * *

"Those damn Clefairies," said Ash. "They blasted us into the air and used our Moonstone to evolve into Wigglytuffs to beat the shit out of us."

"Ash, Clefairy evolves into Clefable," Gary pointed out.

"Gary, go fuck yourself with a hot iron pole. I'm pissed."

"So am I, but I know how to keep up a positive attitude. Like Misty might be at the gym like you told her and we can have a battle and a threesome."

"And if she's not there, we can still do her sisters. I call Lily."

"I want Lily."

"Too bad. I called her. You can have Daisy, or if you really want Violet, you can have her."

"No, Misty told me Violet's a hermaphrodite."

"She is. I spied on her once when she took a shower."

[I had no part in that] said Pikachu. [No part at all]

"Okay, I'll take Daisy," said Gary. "I guess we should let Violet tape it so it doesn't feel left out."

"Violet's still a she since we've always known her as such," said Ash. "But yeah, we shouldn't leave her out."

[Remind me] said Umbreon [Is it Daisy or Violet who has the stash?]

"Neither," said Ash. "Lily's the smoker. And they're not like their characters."

"That's right," said Gary. "They're so much bitchier in real life. We're here. Are we gonna go in there?"

"That's what he said," said Ash. He knocked on the door. Lily opened it, then immediately shut it. Ash was about to knock a second time when Lily opened the door again.

"Can you, like, picture if I was like that?" she asked.

"Yes," said Ash.

"Oh come on, Ash, you're my little sister's boyfriend. And I'm glad Pikachu and Harry are with you."

"It's Gary," said Gary.

"That's what I totally said, Larry."

"It's good to see you too," said Ash. "Is Misty here?"

"No, she's still at your house."

"I'll call her," said Ash. He went to the phone and called home. His mom answered.

"Hi, honey!" she said. "You're in Cerulean now! How is it?"

"We just got here and we ran the gauntlet from hell to get here. Is Misty at home?"

"Yes. I'll put her on. Misty!"

"Hi, Ash," said Misty. "Does my Ashy miss his girl? I bet he does. I bet you want to be deep inside me right now. I bet you wanna take a dump on my tits while I give you a {anyone who's read other stories might know what's coming next} Soul Society Sword Sharpening. I want you to eat my pussy and give me two hairy sankies. I wanna pee all over your ass while you plow me with a dildo. I wanna..."

"Misty, your sisters are EAVESDROPPING on our conversation, and I think you're making Daisy wet."

"Ash, Daisy is always wet. She gets aroused just by hearing the word PENIS! So, how's your bogus adventure going?"

"Our adventure is just fine," said Ash.

"Seen lots of things," said Gary.

[They got attacked by Spearows] said Pikachu.

[And Beedrills] added Umbreon.

"That did happen," said Ash, "But we got through them."

[Oh, yeah] Pikachu added. [We ran into Team Rocket, and Brock got his ass kicked by Samuel L Jackson]

"Did you get an autograph?" May asked. "And did you say Brock got his ass kicked or his ass licked?"

"No, unless you count the towel marks where he got whipped," said Gary

"Oh, that sounds so sexy," said Lily.

"Lily, Brock got beaten up," said Ash. "Jackson was doing that with every intention of hurting him."

"That's why it turns me on," said Lily.

"I've gotta hang up the phone," said Ash. "Well, Misty, Gary and I are fine, tell Mom hi, and I suggest you sleep with earplugs for some time."

"We already do," said May. "Or did you say butt plugs?"

Ash and Gary went up to Misty's room where they would sleep for the night. They thought.

"Should we do it?" asked Violet. "You know I want to."

"With what?" asked Daisy. "We're going to do it. I'll send Ash out to get the waffle mix and Lily, you've got the weed, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, get Gary into your room with it and he'll tell Ash."

[What are you planning?] Pikachu asked. [Oh, by the way, your cigars are shitty]

"You smoke cigars?" asked Violet.

[For three years. The good kind. From Cuba. Real cigars. Why do you have them around here, anyway?]

"To keep people happy," said Daisy. "See, some people, myself included, have a sexual fetish for cigars."

"Daisy, you have a fetish for everything," said Lily. "You squirted when you clicked on _Two Girls One Cup_. Before the vid started."

"It looked hot," said Daisy. "Listen. I know Ash and Gary both, like, love their weed. Am I right?"

[Yeah]

"Okay, then. Pikachu, I want you to go get Gary and tell him to tell Ash that they are welcome to smoke with Lily tonight. And tell Ash that if he runs out and buys some waffle mix for us, he'll get something special from me."

[Sure thing. By the way, is there a cigar store around?]

Up in Misty's room, Umbreon was sitting outside in the hall while Ash and Gary smoked behind a closed door. Not cigarettes, of course, because cigarettes are for pussies! Yeah, the author just said that. Back on track. Ash and Gary had each brought two bags and they had smoked half of one bag.

"Let me...let me fucking tell you something," said Ash. "Let me...say that...I am high as a fucking kite now."

"I know just what you mean," said Gary. "Just...what...you mean. I am not coming...coming...back down. Ever. I've waited to do this since we left."

"Yeah," said Ash. "I know...it's awesome."

[You two are jokers] said Umbreon.

"And I'm a...a...smoker," said Gary. "I'm...a midnight...Al Roker."

[It's midnight toker] said Umbreon.

[Hey, you two] said Pikachu as it knocked on the door. [Lily's inviting you two to smoke with her tonight, and Daisy wants Ash to run to the store to buy some waffle mix]

"All right," said Ash. "All right. All right. I'll...go to...Wawa and buy...I'll buy the..."

"Waffle mix," said Gary. "I gotta...never mind, just shat my pants."

[That's gross] said Umbreon.

"Hurry the fuck up, Ash!" Violet shouted up the stairs. "The convenience store will close in thirty minutes!"

"I'm...I'm comin'," Ash said as he fell down the stairs. He got up and smiled. "Waffle...mix."

"Get Chef Paul's," said Lily. "And you'll get something special from Daisy."

"Chef Paul's," said Ash as he walked out the door.

"I've never seen anyone come down that fast," said Daisy. "I hope they're up for the soggy waffles. You know I am."

"They eat the waffle, Daisy, not you," said Violet.

Outside, Ash was walking back from the convenience store with three bags of waffle mix.

"I...love...I love...waffles," he said. It was then that Officer Jenny pulled up next to him.

"Is there a problem?" she asked.

"No," said Ash. "No...problem...here...madam."

"You look to me like you are under an influence," said Officer Jenny. "Hang on." She called someone. "Hey, Jenny in Saffron, this is Jenny in Cerulean. No, not that one, the other one. Yeah, I was just checking something. Marijuana is still illegal in this country, right? That's what I thought. Yeah. Yeah. Got it. Tell Jenny hi." She turned to Ash. "I'll have to take you in."

"For shame," said a nearby hobo. "I used to volunteer at a place where I helped people like this poor young man every day. This man is clearly mentally challenged, and you, ma'am are quite in the wrong. To accuse him of pot smoking. I've seen enough of both to know the difference."

"So...why...why are you...on...the streets?" Ash asked.

"I volunteered instead of getting a job, and that only takes one so far," said the hobo. "Now you both have a nice day."

"You're both...very nice she-males," Ash called as he started walking back.

Over in the Waterflower house, Gary was smoking with Lily in her room.

"I'll let you in...on something," said Lily. "My vagina has a...it has a...a...what's the word?"

"I don't know," said Gary. "I want some...some...White Castle."

"My vagina's so weird," said Lily as she pinched Gary's neck. "And I'm like Charles Tolle in that I am one of those mystery folks immune to the effects of weed." She dragged him out of her room. "Hey, Daisy! Get Gary ready!"

"I'm back!" Ash called as he walked in the door. "And I'm not high anymore."

"That sucks," said Lily. "Oh, by the way, Gary passed out, but I didn't smoke any of your crack."

"We don't have any crack," said Ash. "My mom sometimes snorts, but I don't."

"Yeah, well, nothing of yours I smoked." Lily had smoked all four of their bags with Gary.

"Okay," said Ash. He went upstairs to smoke some more, then came down and found Lily. "If you weren't a girl, I would punch you."

"Thank god for vaginas," Lily said before Ash spin kicked her across the face.

"I didn't say anything about kicking. Bitch."

"Au contraire, Senor Ashy," said Violet as she pinched Ash's neck. "Yes, I know how to speak German."

When Ash and Gary woke up, they both found themselves in women's lingerie and makeup. They were lined up with several others and it was night.

"What the hell is this?" Gary asked. "Why the hell are we dressed like manwhores?"

"You are now," said Daisy. "We run a bisexual brothel here. You are two of our new whores."

"Does Misty know you do this?" Ash asked.

"Yes," said Lily. "Look on the bright side. When she comes home next, you can show her something you learned here."

"Well," said Gary, "It really could be a hell of a lot worse."

At that moment, it got worse. Jessie and James walked in.

"Oh, look, Jessie!" James crowed. "I can have Ash."

"Restraining order I found in his backpack!" said Violet. "You can have Gary."

"Excellent!" James sang. "Okay, put me down for an Abraham Lincoln and a Purple Penis Eater."

"Order taken," said Daisy. "You do know those two, right, Gary?"

"Yeah," said Gary, "But I always got Purple Penis Eaters, I've never given one."

"You'll get it," said James, "But you're giving me the Abraham Lincoln."

"Shit," said Gary as he and James went off. "Someone's got to pay me for this."

"You'll get your money," said Daisy. "And what would Jessie like?"

"I want Dawn," said Jessie.

"I figured you'd work here," said Ash.

"Yeah," said Dawn. "Underground prostitution is so much sexier for me, so the orgasms feel better."

"How's your mom?"

"She's fine. I'll tell her you said hi."

"Yeah, please."

"As I was saying," said Jessie, "I want a 69 with a Cleveland Steamer, a mutual shower, and I'd like to rent two strap-ons and a sheet from the newspaper."

"Why do you want the newspaper?" Lily asked as she rang the order up.

"It's a secret!" Jessie squealed. "Now let's go, Dawn!"

"I can not get paid enough for this Taurosshit," Ash said to himself.

"Oh my god," said a new customer. Ash looked up and saw his friend Tracey.

"Uh, hi, Tracey," said Ash. "Um, I think I can explain."

"I won't tell anyone," said Tracey. "What happens at Waterflower Pleasure stays at Waterflower Pleasure. I'd like Ash and Elena. And my usual."

"You got it," said Violet. She rang up the order and handed Ash the dildo.

Pikachu and Umbreon slept soundly that night. I won't go into the details of what Ash and Gary went through, as it's way too rude and rather gross. Suffice to say, a lot of semen, urine, saliva, baby oil, and lotion were involved in both rooms. Especially the semen. This went on for about four nights before Ash and Gary could not take it anymore.

"That was so fun last night, Ash!" Elena said. "Especially when I got to jack both of you off!"

"That was fine," said Ash. "But the rest was not."

[What else happened?] Umbreon asked.

[Ash had to make out with Tracey with a dildo up his ass and a marshmallow in each man's mouth] said Pikachu. [I know it sounds weird, but I got a boner watching them]

"Thanks for sharing," said Gary. "Well, James didn't come in, so I actually got a woman."

"Lucky bastard," said Ash.

"She was six foot four, ugly as shit, hairy everywhere but her face, and commanding. I still have whip marks on my ass."

"Sounds kinky."

"Ash, she dreadlocked her pubic hair."

"Dreadlocked it?"

"And you should have seen what she did with the hair on her ass."

[Perm] said Umbreon.

Ash burst into laughter for a few seconds before he began crying.

"We've gotta get out of here, man," he said as he wiped his eyes. "I can't take these degrading sexual acts anymore!"

"Just go that way," said Elena. She pointed to the door. "You two could have escaped at any time. Do you know how many of the whores here walk out every day and don't come back?"

"So why are you still here?" Gary asked.

"It's the quickness I get laid and my family gets paid."

"But it's the wrong way. Bye." {Sublime reference #1}

Before they left, Ash and Gary grabbed their backpacks and stole all the weed in Lily's room. They went down the street in broad daylight, still dressed in their lingerie. They hardly noticed a thing until Officer Jenny stopped them.

"I'm sure you two are not about to do any whoring in broad daylight," she said.

Ash and Gary then realized how they were dressed.

"No," said Ash. "But we are going to see our girlfriends. Once our adventure is over."

"Routine search." Officer Jenny put on a glove. "With a full cavity search."

"I'm sorry," said Gary, "But after having numerous recent full cavity searches from just about everyone I know, I really don't think my ass can take another."

"Too bad."

Ash and Gary shrugged, then they both dropped their thongs. Officer Jenny found nothing.

"Okay, now for your backpacks."

"You just gave us free prostate exams," said Ash. "You don't need to see our..." Jenny shot him a mean look. "O...okay." He held up his backpack. As Jenny moved to take it from him, Ash swung it against her face, hoping to knock her out. He failed at that, but knocked her over. The bags of weed also fell out and on her face. "Fuck my life."

"You got that right," said Jenny. "Both of you, with me. And don't try to fight. You fight the law, the law wins."

"That's the sixth Clash reference I've heard today," Gary groaned. "I like them, but I'm getting sick of all the references."

[Look over there, Charles Manson escaped from jail] Pikachu said, pointing at a wall. Jenny ran right into it, and Ash and Gary ran like hell out of Cerulean City. They finally reached the Underground Path.

"Or we could cut through Saffron," said Ash. "Get that stop out of the way."

"But that's not how the game was played," said Gary.

"Gary, do you seriously want to take the Underground Path dressed like this?"

"Point taken. But it's quicker."

"You two could mud wrestle to figure it out," said the clerk.

"We're dudes," Gary said.

"I know." The clerk was a woman and the smile on her face was a little big. "That's why you can mud wrestle."

"No thank you," said Ash. "Let's just hit the path here."

In the middle of the path, Ash and Gary stopped to smoke two joints. {Sublime reference #2}

"All right," said Ash. "We've done enough smoking for now. Let's go."

"Where?" Gary asked. "I don't wanna go to Vermillion City."

"Why not?" Ash asked. "It's a stop in our journey."

[He got mugged there by Quan Chi] said Umbreon. [It was actually kind of funny]

[Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat?] Pikachu asked.

"He was working in McDonald's," said Gary, "And he refused to put the onions on my burger. So he stretched my neck and took my wallet."

"Too late," said Ash as he dragged Gary out the door. "We're here, it's Vermillion City and we're not queer, so get used to it."

* * *

That was Cerulean City. And for the record, I'm still not 100% sure what a Soul Society Sword Sharpening will be.


	6. Vermillion City

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen all the way through, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the sixth chapter in which Ash and Gary see Quan Chi at McDonald's, meet a comedian, almost attend a meeting, and participate in a Tetris tournament

Chapter 6: Vermillion City

* * *

"Vermillion City," said Ash. "One of my favorites. I guess Surge might not battle us, but we can still say hi. But first some food."

"Yeah, I've got the munchies myself," said Gary.

[I wonder why] Pikachu said.

"I'm hungry, okay?" Ash answered. "Look, I'm still a little upset about what happened to us back in Cerulean City, so I'd like it if you two shut up. Oh, McDonald's. Let's eat."

"This is only because all the other places appear to be closing," Gary told himself. "Maybe he's in the next game and they're filming it. Maybe his shift's over. Maybe he doesn't even work here anymore."

"Welcome to McDonald's, what the hell do you want?" asked a bald man with gray skin.

"Shit," Gary muttered.

"Oh, my Raiden," said Quan Chi. "Gary's back. And he's got his friend Ash with him."

"Quan Chi, we just want two Filet o Fish sandwiches," said Gary. "And fries, of course."

"Actually," said Ash, "Since Filet o Fish sandwiches are nasty, I'll have a Big Mac."

"We're out of Big Macs," said Quan Chi. "You'll have to have a Filet o Fish."

"I don't want one, and I see all those Big Macs you have over there."

"They've been sitting there all day."

"Yeah, and so has everything else in here."

"You're not having a Big Mac, Mr. Ketchup."

"My name is Ketchum, you bald son of a bitch. Ketchup's one of the people you fight."

"Hey, bald is beautiful. This is what happens to people who diss my haircut."

"You don't have any hair to cut," were Ash's words before Quan Chi jumped the counter, ripped Ash's leg off, and beat the shit out of him with it before taking his wallet and leaving.

"You had that one coming to some degree," said Gary.

[How's it feel to have one leg?] Pikachu asked. [Does it hurt?]

"Does it hurt?" Ash repeated. "What the fuck do you think? And where the fuck are we going to eat?"

"I know where there's a Sonic," said Gary.

[After putting up with his awful lines in Brawl, I want nothing to do with him] Pikachu groaned.

"No, the restaurant, not the dumb-ass chipmunk."

[Hedgehog]

"That too. We're going to Sonic."

They went to Sonic. Gary ordered while Ash checked them in at the Pokemon center. After taking a long nap, the two decided to walk around the city. While they walked, they came across a huge mansion.

"Wow," said Ash. "If I hadn't pissed away all my Pokemon money, I could probably afford a house that's about half as big as that one and get away from my mom."

"Sometimes I think you don't love her anymore," said Gary.

"I love my mom, Gary, it's just that she sometimes gets a little too...you know."

"Yeah. I wonder if my mom was the same way."

"Well, you have an advantage I don't. George Carlin once said that the greatest thing about both of your parents being dead is that they're no longer around to fuck with you."

"I guess that's true. But it also means I'm waiting on Grandpa to kick the bucket."

"He will, eventually."

"We're cartoon characters. We don't really die."

"Unless we come into contact with Dip or the eraser."

"Dip?"

"You've never seen _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_?"

"No."

"Okay, watch that movie and you'll know."

It was then that a man walked out of the mansion and down the driveway. He looked a bit like Ash and a bit like Gary, except for his stringy bright blonde hair and the fact that he was one of the thinnest, scrawniest men Ash and Gary had ever seen. They saw that it was true that the camera added ten pounds, because they had seen this man on TV many times.

"Holy crap," said Ash. "I had no idea the famous actor-comedian John Ketchum lived here in Vermillion City."

"I do," said John. "And it appears the famous Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak were traveling again."

"Say, are we related?" Ash asked. "You kinda look like me, and you kinda look like Gary. We spell our last names the same way, too."

"I do know your mother," said John. "Are we related, that is a question you shall have to find the answer to."

"Okay," said Ash.

"He is as stupid as she said," John thought as he said, "Well, I have to go to work. We're shooting the next season. And I'll be guest starring on a couple of sitcoms."

"Break a leg," said Gary.

"No, the last time someone said that to me, I broke an arm," said John. "Have fun on your adventure."

"Wow," said Ash as he and Gary watched John drive away in the cheapest car they ever saw. "We met a fucking celebrity."

"We did," said Gary. "And you're related."

"How do you know?" Ash asked. "He said I'd have to find out myself."

"That usually means yes in the movies."

"This isn't a movie, Gary. It's not even part of the regular series, it's a lousy fanfic being written by some teenager who's not doing his household chores."

"HEY, STICK TO THE SCRITP!" the author wrote in a way that the characters would hear.

"You spelled 'script' wrong," Gary pointed out.

"SHUT UP!" the author shouted.

"Okay, let's head back," said Ash. "We need some sleep. And I've gotta call Mom and get an answer."

They went back to the Pokemon center and prepared to call Delia.

"Are you sure you want to call her again?" Gary asked, "Given the last time we called them."

"I've gotta get that answer," Ash said. "Hey, Mom, it's me."

"Ash!" Delia screamed excitedly as Misty and May came to the phone. Delia's smile then committed suicide and jumped from her face to the floor. "Where the hell are you now?"

"We're in Vermillion City," said Gary. "And we met John Ketchum from TV."

"Oh," said Delia. "How was he?"

"He appeared to be okay," said Ash. "He said he knows you."

"Yeah, we went to high school together," said Delia. "Went to both proms with him."

"He seemed like a nice guy," said Gary.

"I hate him," said Delia. "I don't like him at all."

"Well he's not that funny," said Ash.

"That's not why I don't like him," said Delia. "Anyway I'll leave the young couples to discuss their sex, drugs, and rock n roll."

"Said my mom who would be a whore if she charged, smokes more weed than I do, and listens to Grateful Dead and Rolling Stones," said Ash. "But enough about her. How's my girlfriend doing?"

"Did you just ask who she was doing?" May asked.

"I miss you," said Misty. "I miss you both on that damn fool bogus adventure of yours."

"We get it, Misty," said Gary. "You don't agree with our adventure. You can come on the next one if you want."

"No," said May. "In what context?"

[I'm going to bed] said Umbreon.

"No, before you go," said May, "How are you and Pikachu doing?"

Pikachu made a gesture like he was hanging himself. Umbreon made a gesture like she was shooting herself.

"It's really not that bad," said Gary.

"Yeah," said Ash. "We've had a lot of fun since Cerulean City. We found a giant Moonstone in Mt. Moon..."

[Which resulted in a bunch of Clefables kicking your asses]

"...met Quan Chi from Mortal Kombat..."

[Who ripped your leg off and beat the shit out of you with it]

"...and we met John Ketchum."

[What he didn't mention] added Umbreon, [Was that we were also attacked by Spearows, attacked by Beedrills, Gary fell in a cave, they were sold into prostitution by your sisters, busted for possession, they destroyed Mt. Moon, and they went to a meeting of white supremacists]

"What are you talking about?" asked Ash.

[Oh, sorry, I just skipped down the page a bit]

"Well, good night," said Gary. "Dream about us."

"We'll dream about you," said Ash. Misty and May simply hung up the phone. Back at Ash's house, the two girls turned on Ash's webcam and began to shoot another movie in Ash's room. Brock would later masturbate to this.

The next day, Ash and Gary went to the Vermillion Gym, where they waited patiently for Surge. After about three hours, he came out of the back, sporting a Guile-style haircut and briefs that looked a little small.

"Hey, you guys," he said. "I was just playing a little Marvel vs. Capcom."

"One of the best crossovers ever made," said Gary. "I was wondering if we could have a battle."

"Don't be stupid, Gary, I only battle when someone takes out an old GameBoy Color. Ah, those were the days."

"Then can we go out to lunch or something?" asked Ash.

"Nah, I'll take you guys to my club meeting," said Surge. "It's starting up soon, and everyone's coming here."

"Okay," said Ash. "Wow, a Pokemon League club meeting."

[This has nothing to do with Pokemon] Umbreon whispered to Pikachu. [And why the hell is he only wearing underwear?]

"I'm getting dressed for the meeting!" Surge shouted. "Answer the door!"

At that moment, the doorbell rang. Ash answered it to see a guy with a swastika tattooed on his forehead.

"Uh, can I...help you...sir?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm here for the meeting," the man said.

"Lt. Surge's club meeting?"

"Yeah, we are the Vermillion City branch of the Keep the Fictional World Pure Club. You know, kick out all inferior fictional characters."

Ash and Gary looked at each other.

"Excuse me while I have a meltdown," said Gary.

"Hey, you finally showed up, Mike," said Surge. "Come on in. I think you've met Ash and Gary. They were on the Pokemon reality show."

"Um, can I talk to you for a minute, Surge?" Ash asked. "It's kinda important."

"Okay."

They took a few steps over into the next room.

"Why the hell didn't you tell us your club was white supremacists?" Ash asked. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, Ash, but something's wrong with this world if certain people are allowed to run free."

"And these would be...?"

"Certain. People."

"What do you mean, certain people?"

"I think you should know."

"Is this anyone who's not white?"

"Or Catholic. Or between the heights of five feet and six feet."

"I'm slightly shorter than five feet."

"Really?"

"I've been this height for about the last two years of my life."

"Ashton...what's your middle name?"

"Stanley."

"Okay. Ashton Stanley Ketchum, you have until I finish speaking to get the hell out of my gym and never return. Unless you're about to shit your pants and need the toilet."

Ash was gone in that instant. Gary was after him really quickly because he told someone his grandfather was an atheist.

"Okay, that was interesting," said Ash.

[That's one way to put it, I suppose] Pikachu answered. [Where are we going next?]

"Let's go back to the Pokemon Center," said Ash. "After getting on the SS Anne."

"How?" asked Gary. "Remember the last time we were on?"

"Oh, yeah," said Ash. "Was that the time you jizzed in the hot tub, or was it when I shat off the side?"

"I think both of those happened the last time," said Gary, "But we were permanently banned."

"Never fear, I have an idea," said Ash.

[If it involves us not getting involved, I'm in] said Umbreon.

"Well, we don't need you two." Pikachu and Umbreon took off. They went back to the Pokemon Center and called Ash and Gary's other Pokemon

"What did you have in mind?" Gary asked.

An hour later, the two were in line to board the SS Anne. Ash's genius idea was to have them dress up like a couple.

"Hi, we're Branjelina," said Ash. "We're here to board the SS Anne."

"Where the hell have you two been?" asked the clerk. "The tournament starts in two minutes."

"Okay," said Ash as they ran onto the ship. "What tournament?"

"Tetris," said Gary. "I saw signs around the city."

"Yes," said the clerk. "GO!"

Ash and Gary found themselves playing Tetris for charity in a room with other celebrities.

"Get out!" shouted a security guard. Gary jumped a bit because he was afraid he'd been found out, then he saw the guard was dragging away the guy next to him. "We'll teach you to rig this tournament!"

"Uh, what did he just do?" asked Gary.

"He cheated," said another guard. "At the game."

"How the hell do you cheat at Tetris?"

"I don't know, but I've seen it happen."

"Where's the logic in that?"

"Well, where's the logic in _Inglorious Basterds_, Brad?"

"Uh, what?"

"In _Inglorious Basterds_. Is Tarantino capable of logic at all?"

"I haven't seen that movie."

"You were in it!"

"I'm not Brad Pitt. Ah, damn."

Gary was then thrown through a porthole on the ship and into the water. Ash followed him in a few minutes.

"What happened to you?" Ash asked.

"I accidentally said I wasn't Brad Pitt. You?"

"Someone asked if they could feel my boobs and I said yes."

"Why?"

"Well, why'd you tell someone you weren't Brad Pitt?"

"I was being honest."

"Well, I was playing the part."

"You fucked up."

"So did you."

The two sat in the water a bit longer. Another man was thrown out of a porthole, followed by a cry of "STUPID!" After a while, they got on a train to Celadon City. They weren't bothering with Rock Tunnel because neither had a Pokemon that knew Flash. After arriving in Celadon, they took the Underground Path to Lavender Town where they would spend some time.

* * *

Vermillion City is over at long last! More madness shall follow!


	7. Lavender Town

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen all the way through, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the seventh chapter in which Ash and Gary go to Pokemon Tower, meet members of the cast of _Shaman King, _and are mistaken for different people

Chapter 7: Lavender Town

* * *

"Ah, Lavender Town," said Ash. "Just smell that small town air." He took a deep breath and gagged. "I think something flew up my nose."

[What are you guys going to do here?] asked Pikachu. [Visit the Tower?]

"Yeah, let's do that!" Gary said excitedly. "To Pokemon Tower!"

[If things go the way I think they will, I apologize in advance] said Pikachu.

[I have the type advantage] said Umbreon. [We should be fine]

"But first we hit the little trainers' room," said Ash. "I've gotta go."

Pikachu and Umbreon waited outside the public restroom for their owners. Ash and Gary ended up taking twenty minutes because they had not been eating healthily for the duration of the trip and were staying a little too hydrated, so their bladders had actually increased in size slightly.

"Much better," said Ash. "To Pokemon Tower! Do you have the Silph Scope?"

"The what?" Gary asked.

"The Silph Scope. So you can reveal the ghost to be a Marowak that...did you play any of the games?"

"I started playing Blue, I gave up during Rock Tunnel, and I stopped playing the handheld ones. I have all the Pokemon Stadium games. Besides, you know I prefer the Playstation."

They stopped walking so Ash, Pikachu, and Umbreon could beat Gary to a pulp.

[How the hell do you support the other systems?] Umbreon asked. [What is wrong with you, man?]

"I still have every Nintendo system from the SNES on," said Gary. "Okay, the N64 doesn't work anymore, but I still have it. I play Wii more than PS2. I never got a PS3."

"You don't have one because you can't afford to buy it yourself," said Ash. "And everyone refused to get you one on your birthday. On our birthday."

"We have the same birthday?" Gary asked.

"Do you even know when your own birthday is?"

"To be honest, I forget when it is every year. I do know I'm twenty-one."

[Hope is not lost] said Pikachu. [Yet]

"Here we are at our destination," said Gary. They looked up. "Pokemon Tower. The last time I was here...why were we here, Umbreon?"

[You made a bet with Brock that he couldn't lift up his car with one hand] said Umbreon. [You just said that, so Brock gutted the car, with your money, I might add, and lifted it up. So you had to streak through the Tower for three nights. You only got in two before you were arrested.]

"Oh, yeah," said Gary. "I remember. The cops only found me because a Cubone whacked me in the nuts. Which was probably pretty easy if I was naked."

"Let's go in," said Ash. "It's starting to rain."

They walked into the Tower and walked around. Channelers tried to ask them for battles, but Pikachu and Umbreon made it clear they were not interested in fighting.

"Why don't your Pokemon want to fight?" one Channeler asked. "Are they weak?"

[We're not weak] said Pikachu. [We're just traveling with these dumb-asses who think they can relive their glory days]

"Well, I'd like to fight," the Channeler said. "Come on, have a little battle with me." She threw out a Gastly.

"Pikachu, Thundershock the Gastly," Ash said. Pikachu Thundershocked Ash instead.

[That was sad] Gastly commented.

[Not as sad as being on this bogus adventure] said Umbreon.

"Look, the readers already know the title, so stop saying it," said Gary.

"Title?" asked the Channeler.

"Yes, we're in a fanfic," said Ash.

"The prophecy has been seen true!" the Channeler suddenly droned. "Fulfill the prophecy!"

[You can ignore her] said Gastly. [I have to call her shrink]

"Well, that was fun," said Gary as they left.

[What I can't believe was that crazy shit didn't go down] said Pikachu. [Except for me zapping Ash, nothing happened. Nothing, at least, that would hinder the journey or cause you two misery and embarrassment] He looked around. [Or personal injury!] He looked around again. [Where the fuck is that anvil?]

At that moment, the anvil dropped and fell right in front of Gary. He looked at it and stepped around it. "Did you mean that anvil?"

[Dammit]

They walked back towards the Pokemon Center. As they got closer, a ghost jumped out at them. All looked lost for a second before Yoh, Anna, Manta, and Amidamaru suddenly appeared. The ghost paled even more and ran away.

"Hey, it's the people from Shaman King," said Ash. "I remember that show."

"We have names, you know," said Anna, "And why are you here in Lavender Town? There's no badges to win here, and you're way past this point."

"We're retired," said Ash. "We're waiting for our royalty checks to come in the mail. Actually, they might have, but Misty and May might have spent them at this point."

"I watched them online last night," said Manta. Gary and Ash beat the shit out of him. "If they're doing it, they like it."

"I don't like it," said Gary. "May can do what she wants, but she's my girl, and I'm the only one who gets to masturbate to her. Why are you guys here, anyway?"

"It's part of our job," said Yoh. "Whoa. That's awesome. Hey, you guys want some of my extra?"

"Yeah, that would be great," said Gary. He put out his hand and Pikachu electrocuted them.

[That stuff's illegal and unhealthy] Umbreon said. [You three should be ashamed]

"In fact, it's because of Lord Yoh's illegal activity his royalty checks were taken away," said Amidamaru. "Takei caught him smoking one sometime after the series was over and really let him have it. Sadly, Lord Yoh's checks were taken away before he even got one."

"And then Anna lost hers a year later," said Yoh. "She beat up Rihanna."

"I did not," said Anna.

"No, you did," said Manta. "You beat the shit out of Rihanna and found some way to pin the crime on Chris Brown. You're going to hell. It's pretty hard for the former members of the cast of Shaman King. Faust, Lyserg, and I are the only ones who still get our royalty checks. Amidamaru doesn't get any because he's dead, so what does he need with money?"

"Well, dead strippers need something to go in their thongs," Amidamaru said. "I may be dead, but I can still get it up."

"Or maybe that's because you had an erection when they killed you," said Yoh. "You told us that yourself."

"Having an erection last for six hundred years is...pretty annoying sometimes," said Amidamaru. "So as you can see, the Asakuras took up ghost busting to pay their bills."

"I'm just along because I enjoy this kind of work," said Manta. "And the best part is that there's no Rick Moranis."

"Hey, Rick Moranis is awesome," said Ash.

[He's right about that one] said Pikachu.

"Wait a minute," said Anna. "I have mine. Manta has his. Yoh, where the hell is yours?"

"Where the hell is his penis and balls?" Gary asked. Ash fell over dying. Pikachu and Umbreon rolled their eyes.

"I meant where the hell is his proton pack, dumb-ass," Anna said after repeatedly whacking Ash on the head. "And don't cross the streams!" she screamed at Yoh and Manta who were pissing on the side of a building.

"Well, we'll see you the next time there's a block of reruns of Saturday morning children's cartoons from the early-mid 2000s," said Ash. "Say, when's the next big convention for anime characters?"

"I wanna say October, but I'm not sure," said Yoh. "Of course, it could be...tomorrow. No, it was...yesterday. I'm getting the munchies. You guys wanna eat?"

Ash and Gary walked back to the Pokemon Center. Pikachu and Umbreon watched as Anna dragged Yoh away with Amidamaru and Manta running after them.

"We had a pretty good day today," said Gary as they relaxed in their room. "Time for the news."

"Our top story tonight," said the newscaster, "Scott Weiland finally puts on a shirt. But first, these men have been spotted defecating in random places around town. They have been identified as Muhctek Hsa and Kao Yrag."

The news then showed a picture of a man who looked like Ash, but was much taller, much fatter, had a clean shaven face, and glasses. The other was a man who looked like Gary, but had no mustache, was much shorter, much thinner, was bald, and had a beakier nose.

"They kinda look like us," said Ash.

"Yeah, and they have our names spelled backwards," said Gary.

"If you are aware of the whereabouts of these men, wherever they may be about, going about their business, wherever and whatever it is," said the newscaster, "Do not hesitate to call police. Unless it would drive up your phone bill."

At that moment, the door was busted down by an angry mob. Ash and Gary knew explaining would be useless and dove out the window. They ran out of Lavender Town towards Saffron City, their next stop. As soon as they reached the gate, Pikachu and Umbreon came up with their backpacks.

[They just wanted to use your TV to have a Soul Calibur III tournament] said Pikachu.

"Hey, it's those guys who're shittin' everywhere!" someone shouted. A real angry mob chased Ash and Gary out of town.

* * *

Saffron City is next. A visit to Sabrina is planned, as well as something simultaneously disgusting and stupid.


	8. Saffron City

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen all the way through, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Here is the eighth chapter in which they pay a visit to Sabrina, Sabrina's dad molests Ash (again), Mewtwo breaks the computer screen (as opposed to the fourth wall), Team Rocket gets them in the Silph Co. Building, and Gary gets the boner from hell

Chapter 8: Saffron City

* * *

"I have not been to Saffron in ages," said Gary.

[Yeah, for good reason] said Umbreon. [Remember when we came here with Gyarados, Arcanine, and Rhydon?]

"Look, it's not my fault Rhydon shit is so heavy," said Gary. "Did we steal a gag from something by saying that?"

"No, it would only be a _Futurama _ripoff if there was some time paradox involved," said Ash. "Oh, look the Pokemon Center."

"Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak?" Nurse Joy asked as they walked in the door.

"Yes, that's us," said Gary.

"You two still owe us for your stay back in Viridian City."

"Really?" said Ash. "Well, I think I can solve that. How much was that?"

"Two in one room for one night was sixty."

"Okay, and I take it it's the same price here."

"Correct, so you would owe one twenty when you leave."

"Well, we need money for this journey, so I'll give you three dollars now, and Gary will give you three dollars, and I'll write an IOU for one hundred fourteen dollars."

Ash and Gary were immediately thrown out of the Pokemon Center.

"Okay, that didn't go as planned," said Ash. "Why don't we come in with fake mustaches and fake Spanish accents."

They tried that. In making sure they weren't in disguise, Joy slammed a stapler on Ash's hand, causing him to swear loudly in his real voice, getting them thrown out a second time.

"And stay out under penalty of death!" Joy shouted. "Chansey! Draw a line on the street!"

A Chansey came out and drew a line on the street with spray paint. Gary inched closer to the line and another Chansey fired a warning shot at his feet.

"Let's stay over at Sabrina's," said Ash. "I'm sure she'll be more than willing to take us in for a night or two."

"I thought she hated you," said Gary.

[Well, I'll get to see Haunter again] said Pikachu. [I wonder if she still makes Sabrina laugh]

They went to the gym and knocked on the door, even though it opened as they approached.

"Smash and Scary!" Sabrina said as she excitedly hugged them. "How are you?"

"You do know those aren't our names," said Gary.

"Of course I know that, Gary," said Sabrina. "I can read minds. I just like to mess with people sometimes. And of course you can stay for the night. Or two. And yes, we can smoke together. And no, I won't show you my tits, Ash."

"It was worth a shot," Ash smiled. "Is Haunter still around here?"

"Yes, she's as happy as can be. Haunter!"

Haunter came into the room and punched Ash in the arm. It flew over to Pikachu and they hugged. It flipped off Gary and smiled at Umbreon.

[Well, you seem to be the same] said Haunter. [Come on, Pikachu, cheer up before I tickle the piss out of you!]

[That sounds...wrong] Umbreon commented.

"So come on, let's catch up!" Sabrina cheered as she pulled Ash and Gary (mentally, of course) into the next room. "Gary, that's awesome, Ash, way to go, and you both are fucking awesome!"

"We haven't even told you what we've done," said Ash. "Look, Sabrina, you're getting nosy."

"You're right, I'm sorry," said Sabrina. "Whoa, maybe I will show you my tits."

"Why'd you change your mind all of a sudden?" Gary asked.

"I like big dicks," Sabrina said as she licked her lips and looked at Ash's crotch. "Someone here is hung like a Rapidash, and it can't be me because I'm a girl! And what I was saying earlier was Gary, it's awesome that you and May finally hooked up, way to go Ash on making the cut for _Celebrity Rehab_, and you're both fucking awesome for going on this adventure, even if your girlfriends say it's bogus."

"Um, yes, thank you," Ash said slowly. "And I was joking about seeing your tits."

"Well, I'll show them anyway," said Sabrina. She lifted her shirt, stunning Ash and Gary. "Yeah, you thought they were bigger, didn't you. Surprise! My tits are tiny!"

"Can we just smoke some weed?" asked Ash. He took out a bag. In a second, the three of them were stoned beyond belief.

"...so as I was saying," Gary said an hour later, "I was saying what I was saying, which was that I was saying...Wesley Snipes sucks."

"Hey," said Sabrina. "Hey. Don't...don't make fun of Wesley Snipes. He's...he's...he's a good actor, and if you disrespect him one more...one more goddamn time, I'll throw you against that fothermucking wall."

[I think you mean motherfucking wall] said her Kadabra, which had been watching them the whole time. [This has got to be the most fun I've had in my life]

"Can't my help I if words it mixed get up," said Sabrina as she passed out. Kadabra threw her against the wall, waking her up immediately. "No, Mom, I didn't jill off in the bathroom!"

[And that's my cue to leave the room] said Pikachu. He walked outside the gym and smoked a cigar.

The next day, Ash woke up to find that Sabrina's father was in bed next to him. He jumped up and fell off the bed.

"Oh, you're awake, Ash," Sabrina's dad said. "Good morning."

"What the hell were you doing?" Ash demanded. "I still haven't forgiven you for pulling down my pants with your mind!"

"I remember that day. You were trying to defeat Sabrina in her gym. Why does the psychic trainer give the Marshbadge? I mean, how do wetlands connect to brain based powers?"

"You're holding me down!" Ash shouted.

"Don't shout, Ash, I'm right here. You're legal now."

"Dad, what are you doing?" Sabrina asked. "Oh my god, Ash, did he molest you again?"

"I think he did," said Ash. "He wasn't in bed with me when I fell asleep last night, now he's here in the room."

"I didn't do anything because you were asleep," said Sabrina's dad. "I just jacked you off while you were asleep and rubbed your nipples and whispered in your ear that you were a scummy whore."

Ash and Gary immediately left Sabrina's house without even having breakfast. They walked over to the dojo by the gym, but saw it was closed, then they got an idea.

"You wanna go to the Silph Co. Building?" asked Ash. "Let's see what new toys they're making today."

[They don't make toys there] said Umbreon.

"He meant in the metaphorical sense," said Gary.

[He'll probably play with something that will cause some crazy disaster] said Pikachu. [But yeah, let's head over there]

They were unaware that Butch and Cassidy had been listening to them the entire time.

"That's where we'll succeed where Jessie and James failed," said Cassidy.

"Hey, I have a quick question," said Butch. "What do you think our parents were thinking when we all ended up with parts of names from famous cowboys?"

Cassidy looked at Butch, then walked towards the Silph Co. Building.

"What did I say?" Butch asked as he followed her.

"Just go after the Golden Pokeball," Cassidy growled.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on," said Mewtwo, appearing out of nowhere. "What the hell is going on here?"

"You're breaking the computer screen," said Titan Nerd 68.

"I don't care," said Mewtwo. "What I want to know is why the Golden Pokeball seems to have no significance other than being something for Team Rocket to go after. It should be deeper than that."

"It's a creative liberty. You're not even supposed to be in this fanfic."

"I'm listed in the description."

"Shut up, Mewtwo," Ash and Gary said as they walked into the Silph Co. Building and the fanfic carried on as usual.

[So, you guys still have the Golden Pokeball, right?] Pikachu asked.

"I don't think we threw it away or anything," said Gary. "Right?"

"Not to my knowledge," said Ash. "Oh, look at this." He picked up the object. "Isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?"

[It's a roll of fucking masking tape] said Umbreon. [Are you that easily amused?]

"No, watch this," said Ash as he taped himself up. "Look at me, I'm a mummy." Gary howled with laughter. Pikachu and Umbreon looked at each other wondering why Ash and Gary chose this particular moment to act their shoe sizes as opposed to their age (actual quote from my physics teacher).

"No, look at me," said Gary as he attached the masking tape to a random steak knife. "GET O-VER HERE!"

"Nice one," said Ash. "Hey, let's see if I can dangle that anchor out of the window with this industrial strength masking tape."

[Probably not] said Pikachu. [Seriously, I remember this one time when you were taking out the trash and that anchor fell out of the sky while the Koopalings tried to kidnap your mother. What does that say?]

"That I can do Mario's job when my crazy mother is involved," said Ash. "Here I go."

"Hold it right there," said Butch. Everyone turned around.

"Hey, it's that unknown Team Rocket pair Cassidy and..." Gary stopped. "Dammit, what's your name again? Is it something like Bite or Biker?"

"It's Butch!" Butch screamed. "Goddammit, why the fuck does no one know my name?"

"Because you maybe appeared in three episodes in the first season," said Ash. "Yeah, Butch. I do remember you. I remember yesterday, walking hand in hand. Love letters in the sand, I remember you."

"I'm sorry, I have to take you in," Officer Jenny said appearing out of nowhere. "Saffron City has some silly laws like any other city in the world, and one of them is no Skid Row references in any corporate setting. How old are you?"

"18," said Ash. "Are you going to give me life?"

"I will if you make one more Skid Row reference in here," Jenny said.

"Hold it, though," said Gary. "These are two members of Team Rocket. Aren't you going to arrest them?"

"They haven't done anything wrong yet," said Jenny as she left.

"Well that's helpful," said Gary. "With the police system here, I might as well expect the impossible to happen."

"What's impossible?" asked Cassidy. "Do you know the technology we have as fictional characters?"

"We still don't have the technology for Brad Delp's fifty-sixth birthday or Rick Allen's left arm," said Gary. "Look, we're not going to hand anything over to you."

"Oh, yes you will," said Butch as he reached for the Golden Pokeball. "Aha!"

"Give it back!" said Gary as he reached for the Golden Pokeball.

"Oh, no I won't!"

"Oh, yes you will!"

"Oh, no I won't!"

"Oh, no you won't!"

"Oh, yes, I will!" Butch said. "And that's final." He put the Golden Pokeball in Gary's bag and left. It wasn't until he was outside when he realized his mistake. "FUCK!"

"So, uh, this is awkward," said Cassidy. "You guys want some blueberry muffins?"

"Sure," said Gary.

"No thanks," said Ash. "I hate blueberries."

"Your loss," said Gary as he took a bag. "These look delicious."

"May I have a bag?" asked Jenny as she appeared.

"No, something bad could happen," said Cassidy.

Later that night, Ash and Gary stayed in a small hotel outside of the main part of the city. They slept normally. It happened in the morning.

"Hey, Gary, you don't have to poke me," Ash said with a yawn as he got up. "I mean it, Gary, quit poking me."

"I'm not poking you," said Gary. "Go back to sleep, it's only 1:30 in the afternoon."

"Well, something's poking me," Ash said as he looked over the edge of the top bunk where he'd been sleeping. His eyes then widened. "Uh, Gary, please do as I say for a bit."

"What?"

"First, turn your body so that your feet dangle over the edge of bed. Then get out of bed very, very slowly."

"Why?" Gary then noticed his erection. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

"Those blueberry muffins you ate last night," said Ash. "They clearly had enhancement pills in them. That's why Jenny couldn't have any."

"That makes sense," said Gary. "Okay, what are we going to do? I think it's getting bigger by the second."

"No, it's not. Whatever you do, don't think of anything hot."

"Shit!" Gary screamed. "It got bigger. Ow!"

"How does your dick even have that much skin?"

"Who cares? Look, I have to take a piss."

"Okay," said Ash.

[What's going on?] Umbreon asked as she woke up. She then noticed Gary's dick. [Okay, Gary, don't think of...Cammy doing the splits]

"Fuck you, Umbreon," Gary whined as he grew another three inches.

"Not helping," said Ash. "Okay, Gary, you're sitting up. I don't know how the fabric is stretching like that, but never mind. Open your fly very carefully."

Gary opened the fly on his boxers, aiming for the open bathroom door. His penis hit the wall and crumpled a little, getting a whimper of pain.

"Al right," said Ash. "I know this will be awkward for us both, but I'm going to aim you into the tub."

"Just be careful, it's sensitive as hell," Gary said.

"All right," said Ash. "You're in the tub. Let it go."

"I am going," said Gary.

"I don't see anything."

"Wait for it."

After about ten minutes, Gary started peeing and he finished after another five. The next step, of course was to stop the further growth. Pikachu suggested cutting Gary's penis off entirely, but Gary of course declined. Ash suggested a cold shower.

"I don't like cold showers," said Gary. "You shouldn't, either."

"Actually, Misty and I sometimes take cold showers together. Her nipples get so hard they stab me."

"Well, how can you two do it if you shrink?"

"Lots of soap. Get in there. It's the only way at this point."

[He's right] said Pikachu. [But amputation still stands]

Gary got in the shower as best he could and stayed in for about twenty minutes before he got too cold.

"Well, I went down about two feet in there, and that's enough."

"Hm. Have you tried..."

"Ash, I can't jack off. The head's too far away."

"I'll do it, then."

"No...you won't."

"It's this or...possible amputation."

"Fine. It's never gonna work right after this, though."

Ash jacked Gary off for about an hour before he came and shrank another foot. Ash tried again, but Gary wasn't ready, so they decided to try and get on with the day. Gary had gotten soft, but he was now about eleven feet, so he coiled it up as best as he could, taped the rest to his leg, and got dressed in a very baggy pair of jeans and no underwear. They left and got to Celadon City.

"Okay, Gary, do not turn around," said Ash. "There is this girl with a nice ass at two o'clock, and..."

"Where?" Gary asked as he turned around, saw the girl, and kicked Ash about six feet. "Oh, sorry."

[Here's a suggestion] said Pikachu. [Think of Tanya from MK naked and rolling around in honey]

"Ew," said Gary. "She's uglier than Sheeva."

"It'll probably work," said Ash.

"It only made me soft again," said Gary. "I have eleven feet of meat that I can't do a thing with. If May sat on me, she'd be impaled in an instant. Oh, shit."

[You would be turned on by your girlfriend dying] said Umbreon. [You sick fuck]

"Here's an idea," said Ash. He kicked Gary in the balls as hard as he could, and as he'd anticipated (for whatever reason), Gary's extra flesh retracted into his scrotum and he was back to his normal seven and 3/4 inches. "You're welcome."

"Eyyeiao," Gary squeaked out.

* * *

Celadon City. A place with a mall and gambling.


	9. Celadon City

**Ash Ketchum and Gary Oak's Bogus Adventure**

Obviously, this story's title is a take on the two Bill and Ted movies (which I haven't seen all the way through, so if this runs into those somehow, it's not my fault). As you may or may not know, I don't own the title characters. Welcome to the first non Titan Nerd Studios story I'm writing.

In this story, Ash and Gary have retired from their time on Pokemon and are both twenty-one years old. Misty is Ash's girlfriend, and May is Gary's. Ash and Gary are good friends, but also friendly rivals. The premise of this story is that they decide to go on their own Pokemon adventure without the controlled reality show following them, which naturally results in madness. In advance, I apologize for any excessiveness of various sex jokes.

All Pokemon dialogue is in brackets.

Chapter 9: Celadon City

In which Ash and Gary go to the mall, gamble illegally, and ride down Cycling Road

* * *

"I suppose I should thank you," said Gary. "But I'm still in pain. Then again, I can't tell if it's from being kicked or the deadly erection."

At this point the scene froze and Burt Reynolds appeared.

"Hi," he said {Author's note: read in a Burt Reynolds voice for full effect}. "I'm Burt Reynolds. But you already knew that. I'm here to say that erections like the one Gary just experienced are no laughing matter. And while I can't scare you into reporting them the way Christopher Walken was able to scare you into reporting nostril rape a few chapters ago, I can tell you to report them. In fact, the next fifteen people to report super erections like Gary's in the next hour and a half will receive a free pillowcase. Thank you."

The scene unfroze and Ash and Gary had already reached the famous Celadon mall.

"Okay," said Gary. "I'll get the spaghetti sauce and the barbecue sauce."

"I'll get the candy," said Ash.

[That sounds like an interesting combo] said Pikachu. [What are you two planning to make, shit stew?]

"No, we're trying to make a dish for the Rotten Combo Cooking Contest," said Ash. "We want to beat El Fuerte."

"He was only winner by default last year," said Gary. "Remember? It was him, Brock, Sanji, and Swedish Chef. Brock and Sanji started fighting over a girl and Swedish Chef's walnuts refused to break open, even when he used dynamite, so El Fuerte was the winner by default."

"And I think we can win this year," said Ash. "Oy, I'm tired. What say we stop for a minute."

They sat on a bench in the mall. Jessie and James ran up to them and started patting them down.

[That makes me uncomfortable] said Pikachu. [Ash, do you have a rape whistle?]

"A rape what?" asked Ash.

"Found it!" Jessie excitedly squealed as she held the Golden PokeBall high. She then dropped it when Gary grabbed it.

"Don't steal from us," he said.

"Give us back the Golden PokeBall, you twerp!" James whined.

"Get away from me, or I will kick you in the clitoris," Ash growled at him.

"But I don't have a clitoris," said James. Ash then kicked him in the balls and hit him with an uppercut that sent him out of the mall.

"You still want to take this ball?" he challenged Jessie. She simply ran away.

"If ya want anyting done right, ya gotsta do it yaself," Meowth grumbled. It picked up a nearby shotgun and fired, but since the gun was heavier than its operator, Meowth ended up blasting itself out of the mall. "I hate blasting off aloooooooooooooone!"

"You wanna hit the casino?" asked Gary.

"Hell yes!" said Ash.

They went to the casino and started playing the slots, cursing at the machines and their funny ways of trying to keep you from winning the jackpot. Don't tell me you've never spent time in the casinos in the Pokemon games. It's fun, right? I know I did. Man, the GameBoy Color. Those were the ANYWAY, they played for hours while Pikachu and Umbreon talked to other nearby Pokemon about the dangers of having weed smoking trainers for owners. After a while, the casino closed (go figure) and Ash and Gary saw something else that caught their attention.

"Tomahawkman's Restricted Area of Games and Recreation," Gary read. "Sounds awesome."

[I don't know] said Pikachu. [I trust Ms. Ketchum's supermarket tabloids and they said Tomahawkman was involved in some banking scandal with NumbersMan and the Count and lost his casino license as a result]

"You know my mom buys those to roast them on her blog, right," said Ash. "Come on, Gary, let's go on in!"

"EXCELLENT!" they both shouted while doing a quick air guitar solo.

"Welcome, welcome," said Tomahawkman. "I don't have enough money to buy slot machines yet, but I can easily make that money if you guys play some picture matching games. Or Test Your Might, that's a new one."

"Do you have Test Your Sight or Tuper Tario Tros?" asked Gary.

Tomahawkman looked at Gary with a raised eyebrow. "Are you trying to make a fool out of me, sir?"

"Yes, someone got my gender right," said Gary. "And after this morning."

"Oh, yes, you were the guy with that weird mutated erection," said Tomahawkman. "Fortunately as a robot, I never have any problems. I just wish Wily had given me a little robo penis. Like the ones he gave to Plantman and Jewelman."

"Are you suggesting those Robot Masters are gay?" Ash asked.

"They are gay," said Tomahawkman. "Look at their official artwork! Now come on, you two, are you going to play games or not?"

"What will make us the most money?" Gary asked. "In the main casino I managed to gamble away my life's savings, my last royalty check, my pre-ordered copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 3, and my neighbor's XBox."

[How did you gamble away an XBox you don't own?] Umbreon asked.

"I don't know how I did it," said Gary. "I was high the entire time."

"Well, the best way to leave any casino with a small fortune is to enter with a large fortune," said Tomahawkman. "I don't know, try Test Your Might. It's pretty easy."

Ash and Gary went over to the Test Your Might games to see Hsu Hao with two cinderblocks and a bunch of wooden boards.

"You work here, Hsu Hao?" asked Ash.

"I wish I didn't," said Hsu Hao. "But I've been dropped from the MK series permanently because they all hate me and if you've read Future Kombat you know my wife's a cheating bitch. Not at all unlike Chun Li in Street Fighter vs. Tekken: The Fanfic. Naruto and Sasuke's Excellent Journey. Are you going to play?"

"Yeah, I bet...700 I can break four boards with my balls," said Ash. He and Gary shared a hi-five while Pikachu and Umbreon rolled their eyes.

"Your loss," said Hsu Hao. He set up the boards. Ash took off his pants and dropped his balls on the boards, which broke apart. Hsu Hao's eyes widened. "How the fuck did you do that?"

"Do what?" Ash asked as the cloaking device fell out of his ass, revealing the guillotine blade strapped to his organs. "Uh...pay no attention to the giant blade between my legs. Seriously, pay it no mind, it just makes my cock look small."

"Your kock is small," said Hsu Hao. "But that doesn't matter, it's not going to be attached in a minute." He CHARGED UP HIS LAZAH! and FIRED HIS LAZAH! and cut Ash in half. "Fatality, bitch."

"I think I'd like to match up some pictures of mushrooms and fire flowers," said Gary. "It might be kinder on my balls."

"Well, my new boss didn't have the money to buy things that are Mario based," said Hsu Hao as he took out a different table, "But he was able to get some imagery from Megaman 6. All I got from the Mortal Kombat folks was an expired box of Kan-os. They know I'm in the Red Dragon Klan. Well, was."

"Can I have your box of cereal?" Gary asked. He then adopted an Australian accent. "I always wanted to turn my milk blood red."

"Worst imitation of Kano ever," said Hsu Hao. He started sliding the picture when he heard sirens. "Well, my boss has been arrested again. I'm out of here."

"You're going to leave me here to be arrested for illegally gambling?" Gary asked. "And Ash has been cut in half."

"Not my problem," said Hsu Hao. "Besides, this is going to look bad on my resume."

"Your resume?" asked Tomahawkman as he was cuffed on the wall.

"Yes, Tomahawkman, my resume. I'm trying to apply for an opening I saw in SNK before Earthworm Jim gets it."

"I don't think he'll get that job," said Jenny. "Last I heard he got off the LSD and switched to PCP."

Meanwhile, Gary and the Pokemon snuck off with Ash's two halves. Hsu Hao drove away and stayed the rest of the night in a shitty motel room in Racoon City because he was permanently banned from what was left of the world of Midway. Tomahawkman had to call Phoenix Wright from a jail cell. The next morning, Ash and Gary went to the opening of Cycling Road. They got on their bikes and started riding down.

"You know Cycling Road has a magical wall that we're approaching!" Ash shouted.

"What?" Gary asked. "I can't hear you!"

"Say something you want and it'll appear! Oh, here it is!" Ash went over the wall and shouted, "Mary Jane!" and when he left Cycling Road, he had an ugly hooker in his arms who smelled like weed. "Good enough, I guess."

[That's fuckin' nasty] Pikachu simply responded.

Gary approached the magical wall slightly after Ash did because he was riding a little slower.

[Be careful what you wish for] Umbreon said as Gary went over the wall shouting, "WHEEEEEEEEE!" He left Cycling Road soaked in urine.

[Very poor choice of words] was all Umbreon had to say.

* * *

They have reached...Fuchsia City!


End file.
